Baby Girl is in her element. She doesn’t have to get dressed. She can play all day and eat all day and make a huge mess all day. She can go outside when the weather is nice and ride her pony. She is free to be her very best self. Well, at least her truest self. Which is not always her best self. In fact it very rarely is. The kid knows how to push my buttons and that’s a fact. She’s smart. She thinks she knows everything. She will tell you she does – she will scream it into your face. She will argue every point you try and make.
Occasionally she’ll tell me “you’re right Mommy! You’re right and I was wrong.” Like it is completely inconceivable that this could occur. She is in wondrous rapture when this happens. Meanwhile I’m looking at her like she has two heads and has grown wings.
Baby Girl is spunky. She has spark. She has a ferocious temper. She will, God willing, grow up to be a force to be reckoned with – in a good way I pray. She hears conversations I have with Tony from three rooms away. She remembers everything. She especially remembers if I am having a “day” and get frustrated with her and say something like “I just wanted to have a nice day with you and now look.” She’ll say it back to me if she’s the one that gets frustrated. But unlike ME, she’ll say it over and over while wailing and pounding her fists in her pillow and punishing me as forcefully as she can with her crocodile tears.
And if you think to yourself “what in Hell’s teeth do I do now?” as I often do, you might also think well maybe I should try talking to her. Big mistake. Huge. DON’T DO THIS. It’ll just unleash another wave of fury and sobs. Walk away, just walk away. She’ll come around. Have a drink. Have another. Be patient.
If the kid is anything like me (and we all know that she is) she’s continuously trying to figure out how she feels about things. She’s not about to give in, and she’s not going to give up. And she’s got almost 39 years on me. So I worry. And I’m weary. All these crazy changes lately and these scary things going on have me like “Lord just let it all be over. Let it all go back to normal.” But normal, at least for me, wasn’t that great either. Right now I’m saving time and gas by not being able to drive to visit my parents but that is simply replaced by extra worry because I cannot see them. For people whose parents do not have medical issues this may not be a big deal – for me it is crucifying. My mom can’t even have a decent conversation with me so all I can do is have five minutes with her by video chat whenever I don’t miss that call. I know that every day is one day closer to her not remembering who I am. And I’m missing this crucial time with her. And while I’m super angry and sad about this I am also not willing to risk her health and the health of the others around her. She wouldn’t survive Corona – I know this. The facility is on lockdown and no one except staff and medical personnel are allowed in but this certainly doesn’t guarantee that the virus will not be brought in somehow. And here’s the worst possible thing – if she does get it and is admitted to the hospital I won’t be allowed to see her there either. I can’t even begin to image my mom in a hospital, confused and sick, and I’m not allowed to be by her side. The worry is overwhelming.
And my Dad. My Dad is already in a hospital. Having had three (four?) surgeries in the past week alone. His new doctor is amazing, I know this even though I have never met him, because he saved his leg. It was weeks, maybe days, away from having to be amputated. Bullworker has a bit of a following on Facebook and I am grateful to all of you that have posted words of comfort and support. I know he reads them. I am not allowed to visit him there, and I will not be allowed into the rehab place either. However, I am hoping against hope that I will be able to transfer him from hospital to rehab thus getting to spend some time with him, if even just for as short a time as that. I imagine that the rehab place will take good care of him, but again, the coronavirus is an ever-ominous threat and I am worried. My aunt has taken up residence in his hospital room, after refusing to leave once she brought him in, and thus she is now trapped. If she left for any reason they would not let her back in. I am exceedingly grateful to her. She is a Thomas, after all, and persistence and damn cussedness runs in the family.
So, Baby Girl has the run of the house and the property (and me) because I currently cannot focus on anything else other than the worry surrounding my parents. I want to work, but the rain and cold has stopped me short. Plus the persistent pain in my foot which makes me want to scream with annoyance. Riding and Crossfit – my two go-to’s for ME TIME both make my foot hurt worse.
This is just a season right? This too shall pass. But lately every time something passes, something new and worse takes its place. My dryer went out yesterday. Just because it could. My phone won’t hold a charge anymore. My kid has got my number and I’m too weary to do anything about it. So if you’re having a hard time too I totally feel your pain. I’ll have a drink for you and I’ll pray for you as I have been praying for myself. I know I’m not alone though it sure feels like it when we must be socially distant. I’m pretty good at social distancing but it’s always been of my own volition not the government’s. So that of course just pisses me off. Baby Girl and I don’t like anyone telling us what to do. I would laugh if I wasn’t already crying….
Breathe deep my friends. This too shall pass. The future may not be any brighter but the hope that it will be is what keeps us going.
Oh baby your dad doing well and will become his old self eventually. We see a large light at the end of our tunnel in the hospital. We have truly been blessed! ❤️