I have a neurologist. This is a goal I have finally managed to achieve. After many, many years without insurance we finally bit the bullet and I signed onto Tony’s insurance last September. I’m not getting any younger and things are starting to go a bit South so I thought now is as good a time as any.
I have gone to the dermatologist, the ENT doctor and had a mammogram done. Went to the cardiologist to check things out there (when I was younger I had a slight cardiac issue which seems to have disappeared as I aged). I had a more intensive mammogram to check my “dense breast tissue.” I had a spot removed from my face at the Derm. All good. And of course, the digestive issues with the Barrett’s Esophagus which currently seems to be under control. The depression is better managed with psychiatrist help. All in all I’m doing pretty good, all things considered.
But the neurologist I was anxious about. I wanted to go. With such a strong history of Alzheimer’s and dementia on my Mom’s side of the family I felt it would be important to start early. To start now. What can I do to prevent it? What do you look for? What kind of things do I need to be on the lookout for? How will I know? Can I sign up for trials? New medications? Lots of questions and only one place will know the answers.
So I went. As I sat down with the Nurse Practitioner and spelled out my history she was extremely sympathetic and efficient. She said that first we would do the initial tests that they do for anyone suspecting dementia. As I flew through that testing I remembered very clearly sitting there in a different office with my Mom. My Mom who could not draw a clock. Who could not name any words that started with the letter F. Except for Fuck. Which she said. My mom could not count backwards by seven’s. It was made abundantly clear to us that she was indeed suffering from some type of dementia at that time. Of course, that was why we went.
The doctor my Mom went to was particularly unhelpful – if you’ll possibly remember my earlier blogs they said “yes she has Alzheimer’s – see you in six months.” And that was it. They did put her on some medication or other which I cannot remember now what it was. It didn’t help. She was too far gone for that.
At any rate, as I sat there with the nurse practitioner going through these tests and she was telling me how excellent I was doing, I thought, yes but I’m only 49. That’s why I’m here. Why didn’t my Mom admit what was happening to her early enough to do something, anything, that might have made a difference? We will never know her logic behind that one except that it was second nature to her to keep secrets, to not admit that she needs help. To tell no one what was happening. To bear her cross alone.
The doctor came in to meet with me after that. She explained that we’ll do an EEG and an MRI and some blood work. I am grateful that they are taking me seriously. They ask if I want to do the genetic testing to find out if I’m predisposed to Alzheimer’s. I say absolutely not. I already suffer from severe depression that is finally somewhat controlled. I do NOT want to know that I someday will for sure, or mostly for sure, develop Alzheimer’s. It would ruin my life.
Knowing that there is a 20% hereditary chance is enough. I feel that there is probably more a chance of myself developing some type of dementia than there is not, due to every woman on my Mom’s side of the family having it to some degree. BUT. The women on my Dad’s side? Not at all. So maybe I inherited enough of my Dad to have missed that particular bullet. I will live in hope, but plan for the worst.
Someday we will sell our place and move East. East to East Texas where the pine trees grow tall and the red dirt sticks to your shoes. Where I feel most at home. We will build our dreamhouse and I will find another neurologist nearby who will help me navigate the un-navigatable. I will find someone who cares what happens to me and my family, who will keep us in the loop and not brush us off. It will be interesting to know what the MRI and EEG and blood work show. This is just a baseline I am told. We expect everything to be perfectly normal at this point.
I am not my Mom. I know that. But I plan on honoring her memory by doing everything I possibly can to avoid the disease that killed her at just 75. I am not going to go down without a fight. You can count on that.
This is the road I am traveling. I will travel it loudly and with every effort to avoid what happened to her. And I will share my life with you. We all need someone to show us the way. If dementia or Alzheimer’s is in your family, I will be your WAY. I will share every step I take with you. I will let you know what is happening with all the strength I have in me.
I am afraid. But I will do it anyway. I will live anyway. I will BE anyway. And I will share it all with you, that is my promise. Travel with me, friends, and let me know how I can help you.
With love and kisses and all the best intentions,
Julie
