The Great Depression

I know what I have to do. I understand the expectations. Be strong, stand tall, never let them see you down. Hold that sword, keep it steady, have iron in your guts and steel in your soul. Keep swimming, keep going, hold your head up and face that fire. You can do it. Everyone knows you can. You know you can. You have.

Except. You can’t anymore. You do. But it’s getting harder. Harder to look people in the eye and say “I’m doing fine.” Harder to stay on this side of the ravine, always looking down into it, wondering what will happen if you slip, and how bad it would be. Might be worth it.

Will people feel sorry for you? You don’t want that. Will they treat you differently? Assume you’re broken? Think that you are weak? You don’t want that either.

So you hide it. You deny. You say everything is great. Business is good, the sun is shining and you’ve got this. No worries, no problem. I’ll figure it out.

And you aren’t lying. You’ve been traveling this road so long, you know how it goes. It’s certainly not the path less traveled. Many people know this road. No one talks about it. No one acknowledges it, or considers it an honest to goodness illness. It’s just depression. It’ll go away, you’ll be fine they say. You just need time. You just need therapy. You just need medication.

My mind wanders. Who do I know that is depressed? No one. And yet I do. I know you, and you know me. But we don’t speak. We don’t tell. We don’t surrender. We are strong, capable women and men. We can’t let everyone down.

I finally want to talk about it. To tell you, my friends, my readers. The reason I don’t write. The reason I take so many naps. The reason I hide sometimes, don’t answer the phone, don’t want to talk. Don’t want to teach, don’t want to parent. Don’t want to cook or clean, or be. And yet the responsibilities I have gnaw at me. I must do this, I must do that. And then there’s nothing left to give. Nothing left over for writing, or living.

We are going on an Alaskan cruise in August. I am so excited for it. Just me and Tony. But I am also terrified. That chronic depression will steal my energy as it does every day, that I won’t be able to enjoy it. Because I will be tired. Because I am always tired.

Weary. Yes, these past five years have been really rough on me. You can see that in my face. I am older, more mellow and much, much wiser. I know things and have seen things I never wished for, I never could have imagined I would be in this place at 48.

I wonder every day how to heal myself. I consider. I weigh. I think. I brood. I try this vitamin and that. I spend time with the horses. I go to physical therapy for my back, knowing that stretching and working out should make me feel better. My brain has all these things it wants to do, I can imagine myself doing them. I want to do them. I am a workhorse at heart. The chronic depression turns me into someone I don’t recognize. Someone I don’t want to be. Which, of course, makes me feel guilty.

I keep going. What else is there to do?

Talk about it. Shine light on it. It’s ok. You deserve to be honest. Pray. Even Jesus suffered from depression. You are not alone in your suffering. “Though you may hold your sword in a shaky hand, I see the demons you are slaying. Carry on warrior. You are stronger than you realize.” – Sarah McClure

Create the Change

I’m jumping on the bandwagon. Going to buy myself a 35 oz Yeti stainless steel cup with a handle. Just spent an HOUR perusing Amazon for my cup of choice. Pink. Pink with glitter. Navy blue. With straw, without straw (straw is a must). Dishwasher safe? Reviews? Cost? What a way to waste some time! Thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless. Not 40 oz… that’s too big. Not 20 oz. That’s too small and mostly don’t have handles. The handle is what got me… how convenient! I definitely need one of those. Because there aren’t fifteen other stainless steel cups in my cupboard that I could use. All without handles. Therefore deemed completely useless.

Those of you that know me well might be thinking… she only drinks Sonic drinks anyway… what does she need a cup with a handle for? Well, friends, I’ll tell you. Because I think about it every day. I feel tremendous guilt over it. Friends and family roll their eyes at me and I was once told (in front of my three year old) that all I drink is poison. I am addicted to Diet Coke. There. I said it. I have said many times in the past that the only good thing about winter is that your Diet Cokes stay cold. I have told friends there’s no way I’m giving them up. That’s one thing I can’t do.

And I’m not. I’m drinking a Diet Coke from Sonic as I type this. (Obviously as my Yeti cup isn’t even ordered yet). I am going to CUT DOWN though. Hopefully by a lot. I’m going to fill this cup up every morning and drink it all before lunch. I’m going to use it while I teach lessons. With water in it. (That definitely has to be clarified as White Claw looks a lot like water and Baby Girl knows to ask me what’s in my cup before she takes it.) I drink Diet Coke for breakfast. I drink it all day long. Probably not a healthy thing to do. I realize this, have always realized it and didn’t ever need anyone to point this out to me. It’s like smoking. Of COURSE you know. But you do it anyway.

I have tried so many things, so many ways to be healthier. Joined OptaVIA in October 2021. That didn’t last long – I did lose some weight and that was good. But not sustainable for me. I gained all my weight due to stress from handling things with my parents for five years. Comfort food. Food on the go. Chocolate. Wine. Trying to cook what my Dad liked to eat, or just buying him (and myself) fast food. The man weighed twelve pounds so he wasn’t concerned. I didn’t realize how much weight I had gained until I saw pictures of myself from my Dad’s memorial. Oh God. Wow. That’s when I signed up for OptaVIA. Met a lovely lady, Julie Armstrong, through it, who is a very inspiring person. But it just wasn’t for me.

I tried the weight loss shot for over a year. That did not work at all. I think I lost five pounds, which I immediately gained back when I stopped the shot. That shit’s way too expensive to keep using when it isn’t really working. Before my Dad’s death I had been involved in CrossFit. I never lost any weight while doing that either. Last summer I joined again but quickly figured out that, while MANY older ladies do participate in that successfully, I wasn’t going to be one of them. After having foot surgery in November of 2021 I wasn’t willing to jump rope again. Or box jump. Or do any weight training involving my neck. And burpees are just out of the question anyway. The parts of my neck and back that aren’t fused are shot with nerve pain and spasms.

I tried getting back into riding. Again, the pain. I took a couple of yoga classes – what a joke! For me. My body doesn’t bend that way and my brain doesn’t slow down or relax enough to enjoy the experience. I don’t even like to sit still long enough to get my hair done. Or my nails. Pure torture. And the supplements. Oh Lord the amount of medications and supplements… anti-depressants, thyroid something, acid reflux stopper, muscle relaxer, iron, vitamin D, vitamin B, fish oil, probiotics, I could go on and on. Which leads me to …

Nucific. Bio X4 or something like that. A host of supplements all wrapped into one in order to fix your gut health and a myriad of other things. You take one three times a day, before you eat. I’ve been doing it a week. Any changes? Not yet. But I’m still optimistic. Today I read the recipe book they sent along with the pills. You have got to be kidding me. If I LIKED eating any of that, if I “drank water,” “exercised daily,” “cut out sugar,” “ate 50% of my meal as veggies,” etc, I wouldn’t be in the mess I’m in! Here are some of the ingredients they want me to A) have on hand and B) have time to put together into something edible: black beans, avocado, spinach, flaxseed, turkey sausage, paprika, cumin, olive oil, raisins, ginger, horseradish flakes, zucchini, nutmeg, parsnips, bell peppers, kale, pumpkin seeds. And more. I am not a chef. None of this save the avocado and olive oil live in my house.

I did say I’m optimistic. That’s because I do feel like gut health is important, and I’m really hoping that I can at least get this under control with the amount or probiotics and other stuff that lives in these supplements. I’m hoping to gain more energy. Lift the fog of depression somewhat. Sleep less, be more productive. And all this got me to thinking…. sugar. sugar. sugar. sugar. I KNOW it causes weight gain, sluggish thinking, bad gut bacteria etc. What I’m finally ready to admit to, and hopefully change, is the amount of artificial sweeteners I inhale every day.

When I was in college I gained weight. I forced myself to start drinking Diet Coke instead of regular Coke. Now I can’t stand regular Coke and won’t touch it. I did lose some weight. I am not a fan of water, and please don’t tell me to drink flavored water because unless it’s sparkly and flavored with alcohol I’m not into it. I’m going to have to force myself to do this, too. I’m not into starving myself or cooking. I’m not into exercising until I fall down dead. I hate cardio (Mom smoking while pregnant with me probably has something to do with my lung capacity being close to zero.)

So what is in my capacity to change? What can I do to create change? How will I change it? Will buying the fancy cup spark my inner will to wake up and come alive? Probably not. But it won’t hurt, and it will remind me of what I am trying to achieve. Start tomorrow? Start when my cup comes in? No. I’m actually going to start today. I’m about to go teach a lesson… I’m going to take a large cup of water with me. It won’t have a handle but that’ll just be something to look forward to. Wish me luck, my friends. I’m going to need it.

Horses and Heartbreak

I know what heartbreak is. And I know horses. And those two things always go together. Whether you are a rider, trainer, professional, amateur, kid, instructor or just a backyard pony lover there will come a time when heartbreak and horses meet up.

Maybe your horse colics, maybe he must be euthanized, maybe not. Either way, seeing the pain in his eyes and seeing his head low with no welcoming nickers coming your way, you will experience heartbreak. I had a foal once, his name was Bo. He was a super little palomino cutie and he was going to be the last pony I was going to break. From the moment I picked Bo up in the trailer I knew he was going to be special. I had him for five months. One night a summer storm came and I found Bo on the ground the next morning, basically unresponsive. We could not save him. That might have been the last time I cried over a horse. Somewhere along the way our hearts just can’t take any more, and we find a way to shut down our emotions. Oh, the tears come out in other ways and at other times, but in that moment, in that place, there is no way I’m going to cry. My heart will be breaking, shattering, and I will not shed a tear.

The craziest thing I remember about Bo is that he never made a sound. Not from the day I met him. He was a foal, one month shy of his first birthday when he died, and yet…. he never made a single sound. No nicker, no grunts, no whinnies, no neighs. Nothing. I still wonder about that. Not even when he was lying on the ground, in so much pain he couldn’t stand. There was only one answer then. We couldn’t even get him in a trailer. There was no way to save him.

Before Bo, on another day, a client’s horse went insane over a cow that was loose beyond our property. She completely freaked out. Ended up slamming her head into a post in the paddock. Broke her pelvis, maybe her neck. She couldn’t get up, couldn’t move. It was raining and as I stood with the Dad of the little girl that owned her, I cried for that loss. She had only owned her for four months. She was a beautiful soul, this horse. Which matched the free spirit of her little girl. It was a damn shame.

There was the time I had to sell my step-daughter’s pony. Sometimes in the horse business we have to make incredibly tough choices. As he left in the trailer I was beside myself with grief. He nickered as they drove away and I buried my head in my husband’s chest. I knew I would never get him back. When a client’s horse left for Colorado and I understood that I would never see him again, a little part of me went with him. When I heard that a filly I had sold to a western riding lady had coliced and died six months after she purchased her from me – a filly I adored – I went into a deep despair for awhile. I was angry. And sad. And completely heartbroken. When my husband’s horse foundered and had to be put down, he didn’t cry. So I cried for him.

So many horses have come and gone in my life. Horses I have loved, that I’ve fought for, won on, cheered on and trusted with my life. They haven’t all belonged to me. When my own horse, Jaxon, died at 29 years old, out in a retirement pasture, I bawled. When a former student’s horse that was in the same retirement pasture died years later I bawled again. Recently I heard of another old lesson horse that had been retired there had also passed away of old age. I didn’t cry this time. I was super sad, but happy that he’d had a long time to relax in his retirement. He was an excellent horse. Some of you may remember old Benny. He died at Thanksgiving.

There are too many sad stories. Too many tales to tell. The problem with horses is that they really get under your skin. And they are fragile. They are not as tough as we’d like them to be. Small stomachs that are sensitive to just about everything, they have no ability to throw up and a penchant to eat things they shouldn’t. They find the one thing in the pasture that could injure them and impale themselves on it. They slip and strain a tendon. They roll and get cast in their stall. They work themselves into an anxiety induced frenzy at a horseshow. Or in a trailer. Or somehow break a leg in a paddock that doesn’t even have a tree. They can’t handle weather changes. They need bubble wrap and padded stalls. Can’t be left out with a halter on in case they hang themselves up. They do stupid things. Like climbing on gates and walls.

And then there’s the horse you see in a paddock as you drive by… farm equipment and machinery everywhere. Goats and weeds. Rusted water troughs and broken gates. And you wonder why THESE horses don’t get hurt when yours do just by looking sideways at them? It’s a mystery for sure.

I have been doing this professionally for twenty three years. I have seen so much. Been part of so much. Loved and lost so much. Watched my child cry and grieve over her broken pony and come out stronger on the other side. Been side by side with clients, with parents of little girls who had excruciating decisions to make. Held a friend’s hand. Drank with her and shushed her when she vowed to never love another horse.

I’ve been down in the shavings, or in the dirt or mud. I’ve had rain and snow and sleet on my face walking a horse with colic in the middle of the night while my two year old slept alone in the house. Driven a truck and trailer that weren’t mine through a rain storm to get the pony to the emergency vet. Held a horse’s leg together on my knees while he bled through copious towels until the vet could arrive to stitch him together.

I will not cry. But I will grieve just the same. Inside my heart is broken any time something happens that I could not stop, could not prevent, cannot fix. I will do everything I can to ease the pain of the horse (or pony) and whoever loves it. My heart aches as much as anyone’s, my pain internal. I will not give up, I believe in miracles. I have seen them happen. I will carry on. When horses and heartbreak meet I will do everything I can to create a happy ending. I might not show my pain but it is there, carried along in my heart with every horse I’ve ever loved. Every client I’ve ever cared for. Every little kid I’ve ever taught and some I haven’t. I’ve learned to save the tears and emotion for another day.

Because I am a horsewoman. And always will be.

Holidaze

I haven’t been able to write anything in months. I think I’ve written twice since my Mom died in February. I have been deeply grieving. For her. For life as I knew it. For my Dad. For their house in Tyler. For things I will never have again. For not being able to talk to one or both of them daily. For Baby Girl not getting to grow up with the influence of these two incredibly special people.

It’s not that I haven’t been thinking of the words. The words come at me all the time. When I’m driving, when I’m standing in the kitchen staring into space, when I’m cleaning, but mostly when I’m trying to sleep. I lay there and the words come. So many words. So many things I’d like to say. To write about. To contemplate and to let the grief bleed from my fingertips. But I don’t get up. I don’t go and sit at my desk, I just move on to the next task of the day or I roll over and will myself to sleep. Don’t think about it now, I tell myself.

I don’t know what I’m afraid of. But I do know this holiday season has been rough so far. To make things even more depressing, Tony’s Dad died in October. 2023 has not been kind. Baby Girl and I have had counseling. We are at each other’s throats all the time. She is nine. She loves me. She hates me. I love her. I don’t want to see her face. We struggle. Then the bad feelings melt away and we are ok. She is a persistent, determined, challenging child. And I am lost in my grief. I’m not as strong as I used to be. I’ve mellowed. I’ve changed. Death will do that. I wonder all the time how our relationship would be if I hadn’t had to endure the last five years. And how will it be in another five years? If I had had the strength and energy to be tougher on her, would she be less willful now?

The fact is, I let her get away with a lot. Everyone tells me that I need to be kind to myself because of all that I’ve been through. That is was understandable, how I parented her these past years. That it makes sense… I was so tired… I was so stressed out and sad and in survival mode. We are all a product of our upbringing. What have I done to hers? How will it pan out in the future?

These next five years matter. I still have a chance to create a loving, respectful, delightful relationship with her. I pray for it everyday. I ask God to let us have the relationship I had with my own mother. My counselor says yes, you will, but you can’t have it NOW. She’s not your friend now. I understand and I don’t want to fast forward – I don’t want to miss these years – but I do wish wholeheartedly for it to hurry up. Nine is hard. And I’m terrified of twelve. Fourteen. Seventeen.

I’m rambling. Forgive me, friends. This is what happens when you have so much to say and no one to say it to. Or the will to write it down on a daily or weekly basis. I will try to do better. I need to, for my own sake. I know it will help. I want to write to you all about depression, about my daughter, about the book I still want to write, about my career and where it is heading. About my future dreams and hopes. I hope you will want to read it all, but my writing will be different now that my parents are gone. You may get bored with it. Who knows where it will take me? I have loved that you all have loved my blog posts. It has meant a lot to me to write so that someone else might not only enjoy it, but even feel a little bit better because of it. But now I will have to write solely for my own sake.

Back to the holidays. Baby Girl has asked me all year if I believe in Santa. Are you sure? she asks when I say yes, of course I do. Yes, I answer. I’m sure. I believe in Santa, y’all. He lives in my house, does the laundry and drinks my wine. He has an Amazon Prime account. He buys special wrapping paper that is specifically for Santa’s presents. He tells Baby Girl that naughty children don’t get gifts, he reassures her that he’s real. Santa is the magic in my house at Christmas time. Maybe this year hasn’t been as magical as usual. Maybe this year we didn’t go to Great Wolf Lodge or the Ice Sculptures at the Gaylord. Maybe this year the tree was put up late and half the ornaments were left off. Maybe there’s no angel at the top of the tree this year because I couldn’t be bothered to get one. Maybe I had to get my Barn Moms to decorate the barn this year because I didn’t have the will. Maybe Santa will get regular chocolate chip cookies instead of decorated sugar ones.

Maybe this will be the last year for Santa.

I think, in spite of everything I’ve been through, in spite of not having Christmas wrapped up in October like I usually do (a necessity I fell into whilst caring for my parents these past five years), in spite of not having my brother and his family come to visit for New Year’s (I’m too tired I told him), I think in spite of all this, we might just have a Merry Christmas anyway. Or at least a peaceful one.

I will let you all know. Bear with me friends. Bear with me and I just might produce some writing you all can relate to. Some funny stories, some insightful moments or a real look into depression and heartache. A glimpse of the pride and agony of raising this strong-willed, big-hearted child of mine. This blog started out as an ode to toddler moms everywhere but morphed into a lifeline for me while my parents were sick and dying. It’s time for a change. Let’s see where it goes next….

Summer Blues

School has finally started. After 445 days of summer vacation Baby Girl has started fourth grade at last. I’ve got the puppy playpen set up in my office so she won’t whine and I’m watching the cat stalk around it with her tail twitching. The cat is supposed to be outside. But she is so fascinated by this puppy that she has insisted on being inside today so that she can follow me and the puppy around the house. I can only assume she’s a tad bit jealous, worried that her Queen of the Castle role is being usurped by a tiny canine.

This summer was literally 96 days. May 18th to August 23rd. The longest summer of my life. We started and ended with a bang, having gone on a Disney Cruise a week after school let out and getting a new puppy four days before school began again. Yet somehow I am still the most unfun parent on the planet. During the summer we went on a week long vacation, we went to the water park, to the zoo, shopping, nails done, hair colored (twice), ears pierced, to the mall, to meet friends, swimming, birthday parties, the movies and did two weeks of summer camp. We went to a major horse show where Baby Girl rode well and won Reserve Champion. These are all the things we did outside the house when I could convince her to leave it.

Baby Girl is a homebody. Every day during the summer vacation she would prefer to stay at home on her ipad and/or computer. Occasionally play with her toys or do painting. Every morning was a struggle to get her to go outside and ride her ponies. Every afternoon was a beating to get her off her electronics. Sure, I’m impressed by all the things she can create in Minecraft but I really don’t think this, and watching endless YouTube videos, is the best use of her time.

Every time I laid down the law and made her quit the electronics it would then become my responsibility (according to her) to entertain her. 500 golf cart rides later (she learned to drive it), feeling as if you are heading straight into the ovens of Hell, it finally became a little less fun. The trampoline got blown away by a June storm and we ended up selling the pool she never used. One day I had to help her make a UNICORN HOUSE. For her plastic unicorns. That she doesn’t play with. We had to glue cardboard to a wood bottom that she painted, we had to add corners so that the sand wouldn’t come out. You’d think this would be a fun little project but all I can think of is where is this thing going to end up when she’s done with it? It’s just one more thing to add to her room which is overflowing with crap already. She’s a hoarder, this one. Can’t get her to get rid of anything, especially her stuffies. Of which she has thousands. Picked up three more on our Disney trip alone.

Trying to get her out of the house to run errands was a trial. She’d throw a fit. Demand to be allowed to stay in the car. Wear her pj pants and no shoes. Then, we had to listen to all her favorite songs in the car. Gone are the days of the Disney songs that I also enjoy. Now we’ve got people I’ve never heard of before like Ava Max and Elijah N. I try and introduce her to classic stuff like Nickleback and end up having to play “Rock Star” (a highly inappropriate song) eight hundred times, and arguing whether I should play it with her friends in the car (I didn’t). Upon reflection I should have listened to that song before I played it for her in the first place. My mistake. So I finally put on “Brave” by Sara Bareilles and luckily we have a new favorite. Have you ever heard “The Wellerman Shanty?” Don’t. It’ll be stuck in your head for a year. Roxette was a flop though I did try to get through “Joyride” with her. She wasn’t interested.

And yes, we rode. Well she did. But she’s got one pony that’s too old to be ridden, one pony that can only walk around, and one pony that bites her at every turn. So it wasn’t a terribly successful riding summer. Not to mention the heat. I love the heat. BUT. 105 degrees by 10 am for weeks on end is a little intense, even for me. So back inside it was. Punctuated by days out as illustrated above. Y’all. This shit is expensive! Going to zoo was over $100. Movies and water park over $50. You don’t want to know how much the cruise was. Every time you want to do something fun outside the house you have to pawn another piece of your mom’s jewelry. It blows my mind.

This post is a little disjointed. That’s because my mom brain is thoroughly over stimulated by this summer of hell we just endured. I have so many thoughts and things I’d like to say that I never got a chance to sit down and write about this summer. The grocery store. Going to buy groceries with Baby Girl is a nightmare. She wants to push the cart. Hang off the edge of the cart. Sit underneath it. Get inside of it. Jesus. She also wants to tell me what to do all the time, which aisles to go down. What I do or don’t need to buy. Whether electrolytes actually work. How many candies she’s allowed to have. This kid is strong willed and basically feral. One of the things I am most looking forward to doing alone again is going to the store. Also sitting on the toilet without her calling for me.

She’s also sassy. She has the attitude of a teenager. One minute she’ll be playing Barbies like she’s just a little girl and next thing you know she’s rolling her eyes and back talking. Because I reminded her of something. “I knooooowwwww” is her favorite expression. She tried to tell me that electrolytes don’t work, after first asking what they are. She insisted that they’re just water (whatever that means) and then responding with “so you’re calling me dumb?” when I said she doesn’t know everything. Lord bless me for not losing my shit in the grocery store right then and there. Is this what a nine year old is? A happy five year old playing Barbies morphed with a sneering, snarling 13 year old that knows everything? Just yesterday I refused to take her back into Walmart to buy things from the gumball machines after we checked out. This, apparently, makes me the most unfun Mom in the world. She was incensed that I would not do it. She had quarters in the car and she saw the machines full of junk as we were walking out. We had the puppy with us, as well. Needless to say it wasn’t going to happen. I told her to remember to bring her quarters into Walmart next time. She huffed and puffed and snarled at me. I kept walking. Of course by the time we got to the car she was over it and never mentioned it again. This is one of her good qualities. She doesn’t hold a grudge. And she forgets about things quickly.

At any rate. Today she is finally in school. And I am finally sitting down to cleanse my soul of all the joys and miseries of this past summer. (She did love the cruise and is ecstatic over the puppy). The first thing I did this morning after I got back from dropping her off was to put Luna (the puppy) back in her crate and lay down for a quiet, peaceful, uninterrupted nap. It was blissful. Now I’m writing, which is something else that makes me happy.

I’ll spend the rest of my day doing laundry and taking the puppy outside to go potty. It’s quiet here. I hope she’s having as good a day in school as I’m having here at home by myself! Sometimes we Mamas just need our kid to be in school for eight hours a day. I might not even need a glass of wine tonight. That remains to be seen of course, taking her attitude after school into consideration.

So all I have left to say is Bless the teachers!!! I’m your number one fan.

Vacay Days, part 3

Excursions off the ship.

On Tuesday the ship docked at Nassau, Bahamas. You could disembark and just wander around Nassau looking at things and shopping. If I went on this cruise again, that’s what I would do. But as it was, we had signed up ahead of time on the Disney Cruise app to take a ferry to Blue Lagoon Island, which Tony and I weren’t impressed by but Baby Girl loved. The ferry takes about 30 minutes to get you to the island and you are warned multiple times when to get back on it for it to head back to the ship.

When we got there, it started pouring on us. The water in the lagoon was warmer than the rain so Baby Girl and I went ahead in while Tony took cover under a large umbrella. I had to take my glasses off so I couldn’t see anything at all. It rained for about twenty minutes and that was it. Thank goodness! This is the island where you could also do the dolphin or sea lion encounter but these things cost a lot so we didn’t do them. You pay for all the excursions – the Blue Lagoon Island itself was, I think, $89 per person for me and Tony and $70 for Baby Girl. Or something close to that. All child tickets end at age 10. After that they are considered the adult price. Plenty of people were at the island, and I think they weren’t all from the boat. I bought a beach towel that said The Bahamas on it and we chilled out and watched Baby Girl play. She made a couple of friends that had sand toys so they really enjoyed themselves with that. Of course, once we were on the ship again it was impossible to find these kids again! Lunch was provided and we were given lunch tickets and drink tickets. I used the tickets to get three Dr. Pepper’s which we stowed away in our bag to take back to the ship since there was no Dr. Pepper on the ship, a sin for us Texans! Baby Girl discovered that she likes hot dogs, which cracked me up as I’ve been trying to get her to eat them for years and she always refused. Don’t worry – they were all beef hot dogs.

There were two sides to the Blue Lagoon – the lagoon side and the sea side. The sea side had lots of rocks and waves, and very clear water. We found lots of interesting things on the rocks including some sort of slugs which disgusted Baby Girl and I laughed at her for chunking one of them in the water when she figured out what it was. I didn’t like the sea side because of all the rocks so we took ourselves back to the lagoon side where there are no waves and no rocks. There was also a sort of floating playground that looked interesting but you had to have a life jacket to play on it and I couldn’t see where to get one so we didn’t get to do that.

At any rate it was a pretty good day and my ankle tan started to fade. Nobody got burned but I did notice the sun was a lot stronger in the Bahamas than it is here in Texas. We made it back to the ship in time and had a lovely dinner then watched a movie on the deck while Skylar swam. We went back to the stateroom but later learned that there were fireworks that night which we missed! We hadn’t heard about it.

Wednesday was the “day at sea.” Baby Girl complained about not feeling well and just wanted to stay in the room and watch movies. Tony and I left her there for a little while and went shopping and exploring the ship. She agreed to swim at lunchtime and she and I went on the tube ride that went around the entire top of the ship. We had to wait in line for awhile and the ride was short, but fun! We only did it once though. It’s actually a bit cold at the tip top of the ship with the wind blowing gales when you are wet. So we went back down to where we had left Tony eating lunch. I got free ice cream for Baby Girl and myself and then we headed back to the stateroom. The pools and deck were incredibly crowded since everyone on the ship was out there and if you know me, know that I was pretty overwhelmed by that. I ended up doing some laundry – they had a really nice laundry room on board. The washer and dryer cost $3 each and the detergent was $1 each. But I didn’t mind – it gave me something to do and it was nice to have clean clothes to bring home instead of a mountain of laundry. The whole day was pretty quiet and we finally convinced her to check out the kids’ club that evening before dinner for thirty minutes.

On Thursday we had the excursion to Castaway Cay, which is Disney’s private island. The entire island is just one big extension of the ship. Tony and I were much more impressed by this island than by the Blue Lagoon. There were shops and bars and the lunch was interesting and pretty tasty. Baby Girl got another hot dog! We had rented three tubes to float in, but unless you are all planning to be out there at the same time, that is a waste of money. One or two tubes is plenty. Baby Girl wanted to go snorkeling, and since it was her birthday that day, we went over to the snorkeling area and asked if she could do it. At first they said they didn’t have enough equipment (we hadn’t signed up ahead of time) but I guess the look on Baby Girl’s face was priceless because the guy said wellll maybe I can find the gear for her, but not for the adult. We said that was fine. Tony would just go out in the water with her to make sure she was safe. I told the guy it was her birthday and he had just made her day. He didn’t even charge us! I think she enjoyed the snorkeling, but there really wasn’t much to see in the water. It’s not like we were on a reef or anything. And there were tons of people doing it, so I’m sure all the fish were scared away.

There was a playground in the water with slides but Baby Girl wasn’t interested as you would have to land in the ocean water and swim back and it was quite deep. She was happy eating her watermelon flavored snow cone and looking at the boat through the telescope. After lunch, which included more free ice cream, we made our way over to the area where you could do the paddleboats, kayaks and water trike’s. We had rented a water trike on the app ahead of time, so Tony and Baby Girl went out on the water – Tony said it was a lot of work! I got some good pictures of them with the Disney Wish behind them.

After that we headed back to the boat in time for Baby Girl’s birthday dinner and then she went to the kids’ club for an hour afterwards. We had to pack all our bags and leave them outside our stateroom door to be picked up and delivered to the port the next morning. You didn’t have to do this – if you wanted to save time you could just take your suitcases to breakfast with you. We went to breakfast at 6:45 am and had to be off the boat by 9 at the latest. We were done by 8 so followed the crowd heading off the ship. The ship had to be cleaned and ready to go for another sailing that same day! Once we were in the port building (I don’t know what it’s called) we were able to find our suitcases fairly easily and headed to the line for the airport bus (again, paid for upfront).

Once at the airport we hauled our luggage to the right terminal then waited in line for the help desk. Apparently it was going my way that day because even though our original flight wasn’t until 5 something pm we were able to get on an earlier flight at 1:55 at no extra charge. Must’ve been my lucky socks!

So we made it home safe and sound and if I could leave on another cruise tomorrow I would totally do it. I hope all this was interesting and helpful to anyone planning a cruise or wondering if they should do one!

Vacay Days, part 2

After lunch it was almost 2:00 so we headed to our stateroom. The ship has elevators and stairs on both sides of the ship – we were on the forward part, in fact our stateroom faced the front and we were able to see straight ahead, looking down we could see the bow of the ship. Our stateroom was really large, I was so surprised! Very comfortable bed too. Because we faced the front, part of the roof was slanted, as was the large window. Our luggage had not arrived yet, but I was told it would be there by 6 pm at the latest (it was).

The ship was slated to leave about 4:45 pm. Each family is assigned a dinner time and we had the early time at 5:45 for which I was extremely grateful. Each night we were in a different restaurant but we sat with the same five person family each night – they were very nice – and also had the same waitstaff each night which was really special. I was impressed by the detail in all the restaurants. The first one was the Avengers themed restaurant, the second one was the Frozen themed one (Arendelle) which we were at twice, and the third one was the 1923 themed restaurant called Roy Disney. One night was dress up night but we didn’t bring the clothes for that, one night was pirate night and then when you go to the 1923 one you are supposed to dress for the time period. Of course, we didn’t know any of this before we boarded so we weren’t prepared, but it was fine anyway. We enjoyed every second of our meals, I will tell you. Fine dining in fine restaurants with great service. Great food and excellent desserts. Everything we tried we liked, and Baby Girl discovered that she actually likes macaroni and cheese and LAMB. I tried the lamb as well but didn’t appreciate it. Tony ate beef or seafood every night and I had salmon or chicken. You can get whatever you want, even if it’s not on the menu! Baby Girl ordered pizza with no sauce one night and it was delivered. She was also given a house salad with extra cucumbers and ranch; the servers really strived to know what you wanted and give it to you! They were truly excellent.

Now, about tips. You can pay your tips ahead of time if you like. I did not know that so I didn’t do it. BUT, you don’t have to tip anyone on the boat at any time. It will be added automatically to your bill at the end of the trip. They give you vouchers to give your waitstaff and housekeeper that has the amount of the tip you are giving. You have no control over how much it is, but it is reasonable and easy to do. I appreciated not having to think about tips or to have cash on hand. The only person I tipped with cash was the bus driver who handled our luggage to and from the resort/ship. Also, anything you buy goes directly to the card you have connected to your “Key to the world” card that you have to keep with you at all times. If you have a Disney Visa or Mastercard you get 10% off in all the shops. The “key to the world” card also opens your stateroom door so it’s important to keep it with you – you can buy really cool lanyards in Mickey’s Mainsail – the shop that has the most stuff for sale (Deck 5). Let’s just say I really enjoyed my time in that shop, as well as Dory’s Forgetmenots on the 11th deck.

We quickly figured out the layout of the ship, although I had trouble remembering what was forward and what was aft! Which was where, and what was what. All the free food and ice cream you could want was on Deck 11, with the small swimming pools and the large movie screen. There are about five pools but they are all small and crowded, not what I was expecting. The deck was nice, though, with chairs for you to sit in to watch the movies on the big screen while you were letting your kid swim. Once I figured out how small the pools were I had no desire to swim at all. But after dinner each night Tony and I would chill and let Baby Girl swim. There’s a bar on almost every deck. Drinks are not free. Tony had a couple of double Bailey’s and I think I had two glasses of wine the entire trip. Wasn’t really into paying the prices of the drinks! I could get all the Diet Coke I wanted if I trekked up to the 11th deck and filled my cup that I bought at Luna’s Libation on the fourth level. It’s a really nice cup and souvenir and wasn’t that expensive. But I also got canned Diet Cokes delivered to my room for the fridge, which I had to pay for. Luna’s Libations also had the popcorn. Pay for a bucket of popcorn the first day then you can refill it for only $1.50 each time. That was great, because on the day at sea we watched a lot of Disney Plus in our room. More on that later.

The housekeeping was terrific. They put down Baby Girl’s bed each evening and put it away in the mornings, they made our bed and did towel animals, to include what I thought was a rotisserie chicken but Tony thought was a monkey! Chocolate on the pillows and all that.

Kid’s Club. Baby Girl refused. We went down on the first day and got her bracelet checked in but after that she would. not. do. it. Finally on Wednesday night she went in for about thirty minutes but that was it. On Thursday she stayed long enough for Tony and I to grab a drink at the Bayou Bar which was really nice to have some time just for the two of us. We talked about going on another cruise – would really like to do an Alaskan one – just for us. I mentioned that Disney goes to Alaska and Tony looked at me like WHY? Why would he want to go on a Disney cruise without the kid? Ha ha. I said because this ship is super nice! At any rate, Baby Girl finally acknowledged that she had fun in the kid’s club and that if we ever went on another cruise she would definitely do it more. Tony and I rolled our eyes! If she had had a friend with her then I think she would have been more inclined but she absolutely didn’t want to go in by herself the first time. I actually think she was really brave to do it because I know she was very unsure about it. I’m glad she discovered that it was fun and she could do things alone. Speaking of alone, I did feel safe with her on the ship. I let her run down the stairs while I took the elevator, I never felt like anything would happen to her on the ship. Other parents may not agree but I felt like she was safe and I like her to experience some independence from me!

There were, of course, all the characters on the ship. All the Disney Princesses including Rapunzel, Cinderella, Belle, Moana, and more. Baby Girl had no interest in anyone but Moana whom we got a picture with. We also got pictures with Minnie, Spiderman, and Pirate Donald. I got pictures of all the Frozen cast when they did their show at dinner on the second night. You could sign up to get pictures and autographs with all princesses ahead of time by using the Disney Cruise app if you wanted to, but we didn’t bother to do that since she wasn’t really interested. You could also visit the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique to get made up and dressed up like a princess. It was fun to see all the little girls running around looking like princesses. Again, Baby Girl had no interest. She’s really a tomboy at heart and just into wearing shorts and tee shirts with no dresses and no fancy hair-do’s for sure. I couldn’t even get her to get her hair braided when we were at the beach! Something that would’ve looked sooo cute on her. They also had Chip and Dale, Daisy, Mickey of course, Goofy and Pluto. On the Disney Cruise ship app you could see the times that each character would be available for pictures and autographs. Of course you have to wait in line for these, but it didn’t take long.

The Disney Cruise app was amazing. It told you about all the excursions you could take, your plans and dinner times, menus, and the activities available on the ship, including movie times. There are three movie theaters on the ship showing the latest Avengers movie and the newest The Little Mermaid. We never did go to see one of the movies – Baby Girl would rather stay in the room and watch the movies she wanted to see on the TV in there. Tony and I would have liked to go check it out but of course since she wouldn’t do the kids’ club, we never had the chance.

While we were on the ship we could not use our data – I did not know that I could call AT&T ahead of time and get a cruise package in which I would be able to text and use data. As it was we had our phones on airplane mode the whole time and somehow I still used enough international data to be charged over $100 and have AT&T turn my data use off entirely. I had to call them when we were at the port in Florida to have it turned back on and thankfully they also reversed some of the charges. So I wasn’t able to use Facebook or check emails while I was gone. Next time I will definitely call them ahead of time to get things figured out so I can use my phone! It was surreal to be on a boat in the ocean, and to be in the Bahamas, and not be able to really do anything on my phone for three days. Felt like I was on another planet!

Stay tuned for excursions and getting off the ship … next installment.

Vacay Days, part 1

I haven’t been on a real vacation in a very long time. I have never in my life been to Orlando (besides the airport), Walt Disney World or any of its theme parks. I have never been on a cruise. This blog is all about the experience of Animal Kingdom and the Disney Cruise ship, the Wish, which is the newest of the cruise ships in the Disney line. It’s just an informational post, so not funny or sad or any of the big emotions. Just for the curious or those seeking more information about Disney World and Disney cruises.

I was nervous. I have anxiety anyway, so this was a whole new level of the unknown. I had no idea what to expect, and I had no idea if things would go smoothly or if I was headed for a nightmare. I researched Animal Kingdom ahead of time so I could be prepared. I bought a waterproof pouch for my phone, I bought a wristband Baby Girl could wear in case she got lost (with my phone number on it). I studied the map and figured out which rides were roller coasters so that we could stay away from that – none of us are interested in roller coasters.

I get terrible motion sickness so I bought a relief band. This sends an electrical signal to your brain to stop and prevent nausea. You put some gel on your wrist then tightly secure the band around your wrist. At level 1 I could barely feel the electrical current. At level 2 I felt like I was holding on to the electric fence on my property – my whole hand was vibrating with electrical current. I can’t imagine turning it up to level 3, 4, or 5! I stuck with level 1 on the plane, only turning it up to level 2 on the landing, and it worked like a charm. I didn’t get nauseous at all! I’m going to jump ahead here and tell you that while on the cruise ship I did not have to wear the band at all, as I could not feel the boat moving and never once got nauseous. So if you get motion sickness and that’s the reason you’ve never been on a cruise you can rule that reason right out. Buy a relief band just in case if you must. I even took dramamine and zofran with us on the trip and never used either.

At any rate, motion sickness aside, the flight to Orlando was uneventful. We used a travel agent for the entire trip except the flights, which I booked myself. She took care of the details like transportation and hotel which was a tremendous help. When we arrived at the airport we took the Mears Connect bus to the resort. This was prepaid but the Orlando airport is a nightmare and we had trouble finding where to make that connection. Ground transportation was in a different terminal than we landed in so we had to figure that out. We eventually got there though, with our luggage which I was sure would be lost (a theme for the entire trip – I was absolutely sure that our luggage would disappear somewhere along the way).

We chose to stay at Disney’s Art of Animation Resort. A sprawling resort that covers a lot of ground we ended up in the Little Mermaid section which was at the very end of the property. Now, I’ll tell you we had been told to download the app “My Disney Experience” so that we could unlock the door to the room with our phones. I was dubious. We arrive at the resort and I don’t need to check in at the front desk because the room is prepaid and I can open the door with my phone – the app sent us a message saying our room was ready and we could get in at any time. So we trek about a mile with our luggage all the way to the Little Mermaid section. Surprise, surprise, the phone app actually works and we unlock the door. Simple! The room is, however, TINY. I assume they make the rooms small because how much time are you really spending in the room anyway? And they need to fit in as many rooms as possible. However, it is not an uncomfortable space and we throw our things in and quickly go back out in search of food. It’s 9 pm at this time and I think that the restaurant will not be open.

Thankfully, I am wrong and it stays open until 11 pm so we trek back through the resort, passing two large pools and other sections including The Lion King, Finding Nemo and another one I can’t remember. The Cars section is at the very front and it is the coolest section and the one I recommend staying in, not least because it is the closest to the front of the hotel. The “restaurant” in this resort is cafeteria style and extremely crowded. Shouldn’t all these kids be asleep?! I wonder. But no, they are everywhere and they are wet from the pool, cranky from being tired, and excited to be at Disney. In short, it is a madhouse. We find food then schlep back to our room to pass out. Baby Girl is enthralled by the huge resort pool and ready to skip Animal Kingdom altogether just to be able to swim in that pool. Unfortunately for her the tickets to Animal Kingdom are already paid for. And she IS excited, but pools are possibly her favorite thing in the whole world.

I did not buy Magic Bands. I researched them and couldn’t figure out what makes them so special. I had the “My Disney Experience” app which apparently can do all the same stuff. For example, the next morning I woke up early to buy the Fast Passes on my phone which allows you to skip the lines and get to attractions quickly. You can’t buy Fast passes ahead of time. Only on the morning of your park visit. And you have to do it early. The prices change each day so you never know how much it will be, except to tell you ours was $25 per person that day. So for $75 we got to skip the lines of TWO attractions and waltz right up to the front. Maybe doesn’t seem worth it? If we had stayed later we could have fast passed on another one or two attractions but Baby Girl wanted to leave early so we could swim. But I would tell you …. DO IT. I think it was worth it not to have to stand in line with an impatient 8 year old. We fast passed on the Na’vi River Journey in Pandora which was very cool and relaxing, and also on the Safari ride which was super cool. Baby Girl was very excited to see the White Rhinos up close as well as giraffes and other animals.

We waited in line for the DINOSAUR ride, which Tony and I found hilarious – we almost hyperventilated from laughing – but Baby Girl found terrifying. It’s in the dark and at a high speed and she did. not. like. it. Because of this we next went on the tame (lame) tricera top spin which is for like 4 year olds but she enjoyed it so Momma plays along. We avoided the Kali River Rapids because we didn’t want to get wet, and the only real roller coaster here is Expedition Everest which we also did not do. I wish we had done the Avatar Flight of Passage but we didn’t. Baby Girl was more interested in the animal stuff so we did the Gorilla Falls Exploration Trail, Rafiki’s planet watch, and the Maharajah Jungle Trek.

We had a reservation for breakfast at the Tusker House Restaurant. This is where you can eat buffet style and meet Donald, Daisy, Mickey and Minnie. Imma tell you right now, it’s EXPENSIVE. $45 per person for me and Tony and I think $25 for Baby Girl. I’m sorry but we can’t possibly eat that much food to make it worth it. I barely eat as it is. I did not know ahead of time how expensive it was so that’s why I’m telling you. Meeting Donald Duck isn’t worth an over $115 breakfast for me. Especially as there are other places in the park where you can meet them for free! And there’s TONS of food available so unless you just want that ridiculously expensive experience I would definitely skip the Tusker House.

All that being said, we did enjoy our time at Animal Kingdom. We had arrived about 8:30 in the morning and left about 2:30. The resort has busses that take you for free to each theme park. Needless to say, we went swimming as soon as Baby Girl had her suit on and could get us out to the pool. Unfortunately, all her hair color (she had it done purple on the ends before we left) came out immediately in the chlorinated water which was a big disappointment for us. She swam until about 6:30 pm while Tony and I enjoyed drinks from the bar and relaxed. We had dinner at the cafeteria again – we had to pay for our food while at the resort in case you were wondering – none of that was included with the resort fees. And then we went to bed early in anticipation of boarding the cruise ship the next day!

The next morning we were up early and were told to leave our luggage right by our door (on the inside of the room) and it would be transported to the ship for us. We had been sent luggage tags ahead of time so I affixed those to our bags, we left them at the door and went to breakfast and then to catch the shuttle to the ship – again this was paid for ahead of time. I was nervous about our luggage so I just had to trust that it would work out and our stuff would be on the ship like they said it would. We had our swim suits and sunscreen and important stuff in our backpacks because our stateroom wouldn’t be ready until about 2:00 in the afternoon even though we would already be on the ship by then.

The ride to the ship on the bus took about an hour, we had spent about an hour in the hotel waiting for everyone to gather. There were nice representatives from the ship in the lobby answering questions and checking people in. So they knew if you showed up or not. This was about 9:00-9:15 in the morning. We got on the bus about 10, so a bit of waiting around. We had eaten breakfast at the cafeteria again so we were ready to go.

We could see the ship as we approached and it was HUGE. Mind boggling to me! And it was gorgeous. A brand new ship, less than a year old. I couldn’t believe we were lucky enough to get to sail on it. I had been worried also about being out on the open water but I want to reassure all of you that worry, that it really is nothing to fret about. It never scared me, I felt safe the entire time. Anyway, once we were in the terminal we had to go through security and show our passports and ID’s. We had to wait a long time. We were in boarding group 4. You can’t take open bottles of water or anything into the terminal. So make sure whatever you have is sealed, not open. All of us were pretty thirsty as we didn’t realize how long the wait would be. Again, every single moment was new to us. We had no idea what to expect. Finally we started boarding the ship. As we boarded they gave us Cinderella wands (cute) and called out WELCOME to the TULLOS FAMILY. Also cute.

But. Then. We had no idea what to do. We stood around for a few minutes. Found a cruise ship person to ask and she suggested we go to lunch or explore the ship. We opted for lunch. Went to the restaurant called Arendelle and relaxed and enjoyed ourselves for the first time that day. It was a lovely restaurant and I was very impressed by the service. In fact, I didn’t stop being impressed by the ship and it’s service the entire time I was aboard. After lunch we figured out where “guest services” was and we stood in line to sign Tony up for a Whisky Tasting. I also asked when we could go to our stateroom, because I had no idea when it would be ready or how to get our key cards. I was told by 2:00 the key cards would be ready and hanging outside the door to our room.

More tomorrow…. stay tuned…..

Breakdown

Ever feel like you’re hurtling towards a breakdown? It’s pitch black and you have no idea where you are, much less where you’re going. Maybe you’re pulling a trailer load full of horses and the road you’re on is unfamiliar, and dark and windy and just downright scary. The lights are on but there’s just simply not enough to really see by. Doom is coming and you know it. You’re just thisclose to crashing and burning but somehow you manage to hang on to the wheel if only to keep from spinning completely out of control.

That wheel is the key but it’s stuck. It’s either letting you go only straight ahead at a ridiculous pace or it is so loose that you can’t figure out if you’re about to head straight into the ditch or up against the retaining wall. If only you had some control over that steering wheel. And the brakes! Oh my God, the brakes. Do they work? You pump them and nothing happens, you press down for dear life and the whole rig starts shunting sideways and before you know it you are in a SPEED (the movie) like situation and all you can do is keep your eyes on the road and pray.

And that is what is ultimately comes down to. To just pray. And hang on. And pray some more. God will surely come through for us, again, just one more time, I swear God, and then I can take the wheel for awhile, I promise. Just don’t fail me here, God, I still need you. One more hour, one more day, one more week and then I’ll have it together again and you can move on to more pressing matters. Please don’t forsake me now, I know I’ve been extra needy these past few years, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time until I’m strong again. Isn’t it? Please say it is.

I reach out, for the hand that has always guided me and I find nothing but air space. I reach out, for the voice that was always in my head, always on the other end of the phone, but there’s static. I reach out, for the love and support I could always rely on, but it’s receding into memory, into the back of my brain and what feels like planets away. I reach out, looking for that laughter and I only find unshed tears. I reach out. But they are gone.

Lonely and loneliness are not the same thing. Lonely is waiting for someone to come, loneliness is knowing they never will. How do I cope? I don’t really. I wait. There must be a day when it gets better than this. I watch my husband weedeat outside the window, and I know that I am not lonely. I am not alone. But loneliness is pervasive, it is in my pores, in my veins and I am hurtling towards something that I cannot see, be it disaster or salvation I can no longer tell.

To all who have loved and lost, I am you. In an effort to psych myself out of melancholy, I tell myself “it could be worse.” But to imagine worse is to admit defeat. Imagining worse also defeats the purpose of giving myself permission to mourn, to grieve. Only more reason to be afraid. Not having “worse” isn’t better than what I have now. I must remember that. I am not sure I could handle worse anyway, I better just stick to the reality I have.

I haven’t felt like writing lately. Haven’t felt like doing anything. I forced myself to sit down and write this today. Grief is agonizing, and I can’t say there’s a rainbow on the horizon. I don’t see it yet. All I feel is that breakdown looming, and on a wing and a prayer I’ll stop it from coming. Pray with me, friends, because this is not a situation in which I hope that you ever find any of yourselves. Loneliness is not for the weak of heart, I can tell you that. Pray with me, please, and look after yourselves for my sake.

A Letter to Death

Death, O Death. You are not appreciated. The sadness, grief and despair you bring are not my friends. I know it is not your fault but please, take them right back with you and leave me alone. My tears are not for you to see, they are not yours by right though you may assume so. They are tears of love, not grief, and so they belong to me alone.

Death I despair of you, will you never learn? The way to a heart is not by taking away but by bringing light and love, not darkness and hate. I do hate you, Death, though you might be an angel in your own right you are not one for me.

Were the gates open, and the light shining? The choir singing and the harps rejoicing? A friend would tell me, a friend would let me feel that peace. Yes, you were kind. You were understanding, you were gentle and whispered softly. But you still came, even though you were patient with my Mom and swift with my Dad, you still came. Do you have remorse, Death? Are you an angel of sympathy?

I choose not to embrace you Death. For they are with me still. You cannot win against me, you cannot break me down. I feel them, you see, in my heart forevermore. And while I could not go down that journey with them right now, someday I will meet you for myself. And I expect the light. The harps and the choir. I expect you to take me to the feet of Jesus where my Mom and Dad will be.

I expect to go with you before my daughter, for that is the way of things. Please, Death, I implore you, go easy on her as you did with me. She may still hate you but that is your lot, you cannot escape it. Be gentle with me, but let me LIVE, Death, until it is my time. I do not want to become acquainted with you slowly.

I would like to meet you suddenly, on a quiet day, perhaps while I am in bed, but perhaps not. Maybe I will be on my front porch, taking in a little sun. Maybe I will be in the barn patting the noses of my favorite ponies. But let me live, please Death, please don’t have time for me.

I cannot forgive you, Death. For taking away two souls that meant the world to me. For not letting me see and understand, just that they were there and then they were gone. I wanted to feel the light, feel your presence, feel the angels beckoning. And I didn’t. Here and then gone. A final breath and then no more. How can I make my peace with that?

You understand, don’t you Death? You have had this conversation before. You are not a stranger to any of us, not really. And we will all have to learn to live with you. I write this letter, Death, to let you know that I am not afraid of you. I despise you, but I am not afraid. Be always gentle, Death, and I will work on forgiving you.

Choose me later, Death. Choose me quickly, when I am old and ready for you. Then I will go with you as a friend.