Hey all you Mom Introverts out there – have you ever sat in a closet in the dark just trying to re-group and make some sense out of the world? I’ve done that – before I had a kid. If I tried to do that now I’d hear “mama! mama! Mama! MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!” and hammering on the door non stop til I gave up and came out. Sort of like when you try to go to the bathroom alone. I’ve gotten to where I just leave the damn door open when I pee. So if any one comes to visit – you’re forewarned. Of course, being an extreme introvert, it’s very unlikely that a invitation to visit will come from me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just too much damn effort right now. My dad walked into my house yesterday (I wasn’t home yet) and texted me that he was “sitting and watching to make sure another bomb doesn’t go off.” Yep. That’s life with a toddler. Bombs go off multiple times a day, cleaning up is fruitless and alone time is not an option.
As all introverts know, Energy is a priceless treasure and something to expend with great reserve. I could spend days alone and not mind it. I remember the first time my husband took Baby Girl somewhere for the weekend – I hardly moved from the peaceful, silent solitude of my couch. I just breathed it in, absorbed the atmosphere that dust and ghosts settle in. I was rejuvenated for about three days after they came home. Then it set in again – that desire, that need to be alone for awhile. And ten minutes does NOT cut it. Yeah, a bubble bath with a glass of wine while she’s asleep is lovely, but it doesn’t come close to being all the alone time I need. If you are listening for every breath and movement on the baby monitor, you are not alone. If you know you will be waking up at midnight, and 4 am, and 5:30 am to soothe baby, you are not alone. If you are rushing like mad to clean the dishes and do some laundry before she wakes up, you are not alone. If you are passed out on the living room couch while she’s napping and have that baby monitor right by your ear, you are not alone. If you are hurrying out the door before she notices and shopping like a madwomen through Walmart to get back while hubby takes care of baby, you are not alone.
And if you have the kind of child that barely slows down long enough to eat or bathe or sleep and you are constantly required to give, give, give your time and your energy – well – you are not, obviously, alone. I would love it if she would snuggle with me while watching a movie, or reading books. But that’s just not her. She’s way too busy discovering the world to do that. I admire that about her. She can be a little social butterfly a lot of the time. And I’m so glad. My heart would ache for her if she was as shy and introverted as I am. In the one way we are truly different, I rejoice that she doesn’t seem to need alone time as much as I do. I pray that it stays that way for her.
So if sometimes I seem a little anti-social when you are here at the barn, or if you see me at a horseshow and think I’m stuck up or rude, I ask you to kindly give me, and all introverted moms, a break. When you see me might be the only time that day that I am not giving of myself to a toddler. I’m probably giving of myself to a client, or a horse, or a colleague instead. If you send me funny clips on Facebook or tag me in a post and I don’t respond – it’s only because I just don’t have any more energy to give, or quite probably, I’m attempting to be asleep. Even though I truly appreciate that you thought of me.
I know I am not the only introverted mom out there – there’s quite a lot of you who will understand the panic you face when you just simply cannot handle any of it anymore. When you are rocking the baby with tears coming down your face because she just won’t sleep – and thus limiting the “down time” you have before your own bedtime. When all you can hear is Jennifer Garner’s reading of “Go the F**k to Sleep” in your head.
When your husband comes in and takes over even though he’s dead on his feet too, because he knows.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel introvert moms. Someday they will all be going to school every day. And while we revere and cherish the time we have with our toddlers, I can honestly say that I will probably really enjoy “momming” more when I have more time to be truly alone. In my closet. Or wherever.
