I should write more often. I know I should. I want to, I think about it all the time. But when it comes time to actually sit down and write – something stops me. Exhaustion I guess. Brain Fog. An unwillingness to make my thoughts concrete. Too many thoughts – too many feelings – the niggling idea that other people simply won’t care what I have to say. The mountainous list of tasks waiting to be done. The desire to crawl into bed and stay there. For days.
There is a saying that you can’t take it with you when you go. The intended idea being that you should not accumulate or have strong feelings for material things. What are material things, after all? Just stuff. Stuff that surrounds you and doesn’t change. When you have anxiety or a fear of change, that “stuff” that surrounds you can be mighty comforting. Your blankets and pillows and favorite pj’s. Pictures with quotes on the wall or images of your fun memories and favorite people. Books that you’ve carried with you since college. Stuffed animals that have sat on your bed or in your closet since elementary school – or longer. Pull that ratty giraffe out when you are feeling low and he is sure to lift your spirits. A reminder of easier times. Of the love you have for the person who gave you the ratty giraffe. And the love they have for you.
I can touch this you think to yourself. Ratty giraffe is real and tangible. He isn’t going anywhere. He is constant. Those books on my shelf, those nic knacks, that carved cat I got in Jamaica – they’re still the same. Everything around me might be changing but these things I love are not. High schoolers are shooting up their schools and kids are ruining other kids on social media and I’m desperately afraid for this country but here in my house? All is well.
Maybe I just got fired from a job, or had an argument with a loved one or a friend all of a sudden isn’t a friend anymore. You are so stressed that you can’t swallow. You literally can’t eat anything. Or else you are shoving last night’s macaroni and cheese down at midnight and eating all the sweets in the house for breakfast. You break down in tears for no reason. Or for every reason in the world. You couldn’t care less about the Royal Wedding or the Kentucky Derby or whatever but you watch it just the same. Because everyone there is happy. Well, unless you are the trainer of the horse that finishes second.
But if you can’t even leave your house because you are afraid of the world, rest assured my friend that everything in your house is not going to change unless you change it. All those things will bring you comfort if you let them. Look out your window. That view and that tree and those fences will stay the same when the rest of your world is falling apart. The mess on your husband’s desk? Comforting. Annoying, but comforting all the same.
Most people have been there – that lonely and terrified place where you cannot be touched. I’ve been there. So reach out. Reach out to those things that you can touch without anyone else’s help. Take a note from my Baby Girl who will go find her snuggie and her paccy for comfort before she melts in my arms. Even she knows. These are her things, her things that will not change. She can always count on them and they will never let her down. Don’t be affronted by material things. Breathe them in, let them be part of you.
And stock up on gummy bears. They go great with wine.
