Back in 2013, when I was pregnant, I asked God to please give me a child that was more like me than like Tony. Tony had his older daughter already, and I wanted a mini-me to even things out a little bit.
God laughed. And complied. And laughed some more. Added a few bits that I could have done without. Probably hysterical at this point, he added in one final sprinkling of “hot or cold” and dumped a huge pot of “frustration level: nil.”
My baby girl is a wonderful, beautiful, sweet and creative little girl. She is also a very difficult child to raise. Intelligent and head strong she goes from zero (laughing) to blowing a gasket in 0.1 seconds. Lord, I could use a little more information at this point. A little bit of instruction and insight please. Because, while I was also very headstrong (and of course that hasn’t changed), I am also fairly level headed. I don’t get angry quickly, I let a lot of things go. I learned this lesson especially when my parents were sick and dying – so much just doesn’t matter. Save your energy for what does.
Baby Girl is 10. She clearly hasn’t learned this yet. For example, if she trying to do something (plug in her ipad in Tony’s truck; pull her saddle pad out from under her saddle; put her garter straps on, or her gloves) and it doesn’t go exactly as planned, quickly, she will throw the thing down, scream at it that it’s stupid, get red in the face and sometimes start crying. I have no idea what to do in this situation. I admit, sometimes I get mad. I try to be patient, but if I’m nice to her she turns her anger right to me. If I get mad she will stomp away or burst into tears. If I tell her to calm down, or that her reaction is over the top, she acts like any woman does when you tell them to calm down. She gets more mad.
It’s infuriating. There are no right answers here. Her anger level is intense and her frustration level is zero. The other day I said, randomly, that as I get older I see my Mom’s hands in my own. She roughly told me to STOP! And I’m like why? She says, “STOP IT! I MISS GRANNY!” It was just an off the topic statement. I was astounded at her reaction. I mean, I know she misses my parents, but that’s a little crazy to me. She actually was in therapy from 7 to 9 years old, but she swears she didn’t like it and it didn’t help. She would never talk about my parents with the therapist so I suppose it didn’t do her much good anyway.
I have tried giving her vitamins, a mood calming supplement, getting enough rest and making sure she eats protein. I try to feed her a healthy dinner (at least) most nights. She is a very picky eater, as I am, so that is especially difficult. She wants ramen and fruit. Or rice, or pasta. She does not want vegetables unless it ‘s edamame or cucumber… again, like me. She does not want protein unless it’s yogurt (greek at least) or chicken.
I have tried making sure she’s in bed by 9 pm every night. I give her melatonin to be sure she doesn’t lie awake brooding. She sleeps well now and can be difficult to wake up in the mornings (like her Dad!) I read to her every night and tuck her in. She constantly wants me around, sitting on the toilet seat while she takes a bath, sitting with her while she falls asleep, etc. Now, she can do these things on her own when I am not available – she does NOT ask Daddy to do these things. What is up with that?! That’s frustrating to me. I like to read to her, but I also want my time to read my own book. Usually by the time I get her to sleep I just turn out my light as well because I am exhausted.
Limiting her screen time is difficult for me, because I like to be left alone! I like to work, to write, to read. She does amazingly well keeping herself entertained most of the time (during the day) and she still plays with all her Breyer horses and Schleich animals. She goes outside. She rides, she explores, she plays with her ponies, she makes mud pies and digs in the sand. She plays with her dog. (That I got hoping to make her happy and less angry all the time). She drives the golf cart around, and yes, she spends time on her ipad and computer. She loves watching YouTube videos.
I have read books on the subject. The Explosive Child, books on raising a tween girl, how to communicate with your tween, etc. I am about to start “The Highly Sensitive Person” in hopes it will help me connect with her, in her own little world. On another note, she gets very upset if she doesn’t do well in a horseshow – she thinks she is disappointing me. I tell her I love her no matter what place she gets and that I’m very proud of how well she rides. I tell her I love that she can do everything herself (this doesn’t stop her from asking me to help) and how well she takes care of her ponies (usually.)
This is not to say that she’s never happy. Only that when she is unhappy, she is EXTREME about it. There is no middle ground, no warm, or tepid, it’s only sunshine or hurricanes. Same goes when she does not get what she wants. For example, we got in from a three day horseshow last night at 6:30 pm. She, (instead of helping unload which Tony had to make her do) started playing around and then asked me if she could “take me on a golf cart ride.” Girl it is 6:30 pm and I have just spent the last three days nonstop with you. I am tired. It is not happening tonight. She, of course, stomps away and gets upset. She never, not once in her life, has said “that’s ok Mommy, I understand” or even just “okay.” It leaves me drained, and more than a little sad and upset myself.
Was I this difficult as a kid? I’d like to think not. Of course, we didn’t have electronics back then like we do today. And there is no one, except my brother, left to ask. He probably wasn’t paying attention to me anyway, being that much older. I know I was sensitive and liked to get my own way, but was I angry all the time? Was I zero to a hundred if something was frustrating me? Was it impossible to have a conversation with me? Did I scream, or throw a fit? I do remember doing some of this, but wasn’t it before I was old enough to know better? Where is the self control, the self awareness? How do I fix this?!
If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it. I may not respond, but I will definitely read your comments!
I wonder if God is still laughing. Because I am not.
