Hell no, I used to say, over and over again when Baby Girl would ask. No way I can do that, you couldn’t pay me enough, one of us would be crying every day and it would probably be me.
It all started back in second grade. Grandpa died the week after school started and I kindly explained to the teacher that Baby Girl might struggle a little as she and Grandpa were very, very close and this was going to be hard for her. Plus, she’s seven. And she was present when he died. Teacher made all the right noises, and then ignored Baby Girl’s grief. No grace at all, as far as I could tell. She started lashing out when frustrated, not keeping her hands to herself very well. She started getting in trouble a lot. She felt that she could not talk to the teacher because she would say “are you tattling, or telling?” Baby girl didn’t know the difference. She was just trying to stand up for herself and process her grief and sadness.
I got her counseling. She went every other week and the counselor was kind, but tough. Telling Baby Girl all the stuff she should be able to do by herself at the age of 7… then 8. We finally stopped going. The other day I was talking to her and said “the counselor never talked to you about Grandpa, did she? About how you felt?” Baby Girl said – no, she never asked. Now, seeing as how that was the main reason we went… you’d think…. but I guess the counselor wanted Baby Girl to bring it up first. Which she absolutely wasn’t going to do. And then Bruno broke his leg. So there was a lot of focus on that, and how her attitude (black cloud) affects other people and how to calm down in situations when she doesn’t feel in control. Which basically went out the window when she was in those actual situations.
At any rate, one day at school a little boy in the line up was picking on Baby Girl. I don’t know what he was saying but she loudly said “If you don’t shut up I’m going to KILL you!”
Did she have any real idea what she was saying? What that meant? Of course not. Did she get in major trouble for it? Yes. Sent to the principal’s office and made to do ISS the next day. I was livid. I wanted grace, I guess, and I didn’t get it. It didn’t occur to me then, but why wasn’t the school counselor involved? Why on earth did a seven year old seem threatening with a comment she made, in order to stand up for herself when she was being picked on? All that happened was that Baby Girl learned that school could be a scary place instead of a fun one.
I never had any problems getting her to go to school before that. That day she sat bawling in the car not wanting to get out to face her “punishment.” I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t know if I had any recourse, or anything I could do. So she went. Then started the “I don’t feel good’s” and the “I have a headache’s” every morning before school.
Now, despite some AMAZING teachers, in third and fourth grades, Baby Girl just wasn’t into school anymore. She slowly lost confidence – in school, in herself, in her ability to make and keep friends, in her academics. Not just from that one incident – I’m not saying that – just that that was the catalyst that started us on this path of “please can I be homeschooled!” Which concept, of course, she learned during kindergarten’s and first grade’s COVID.
Finally, fifth grade. The “I want to stay home’s” were worse than ever, even knowing her teachers all loved and appreciated her, and she them. She has three teachers this year, and they are all lovely people. However, there are a few students or “friends” that she clashes with and for some reason she really lets them get to her. She will also push back, when pushed. She’s not the type to just walk away. She’ll snap back when snarly things are said to her, or else she’ll cry. Depends on the day and the mood. Getting in trouble is at an all time high. Me picking her up in the car line and she’s crying or just upset because someone was mean to her. She gets in deep moods. She’s ten. I’m worried. I know this will all just get worse in middle school. She doesn’t seem to have the strategies to cope.
Then, the final straw. I won’t go into detail here to save her privacy but something big happens. Then happens again. It’s not good. As well, another kid called her a jerk in my presence (I had gone to have lunch with her) and I was basically called to the principal’s office because I stepped up and told him not to talk to my kid that way. Am I sorry? Absolutely not. This is the same kid who has called her gay and a furry. I’m tired of it. She did not absolutely nothing to antagonize him (at least on that occasion).
I sit in the car on the next to last day of school. We have already visited the homeschool co-op (more on that later). I am in the car line and I can see the kids at recess. I still don’t know why their recess is at the very end of the day. I see her swinging, by herself, and I think to myself “just keep swinging, Baby Girl, just keep swinging.” I didn’t want her interacting with any of the other kids. I didn’t want her to get in trouble again. I am tired. Something has to change. And it’s going to. We have made the decision.
Next blog post – all about the decision and the homeschool co-op.
