Have you ever read the books Penguin Problems, or Giraffe Problems? They are truly great. Sarcastic and yet oddly engaging. For kids of course, but I think I like those two books better than Baby Girl. So the title of this blog could easily be “Going to Bed Problems” or it could be “Every Excuse in the Book and then Some” or even “The Coyote in the Closet.” The story goes like this:
Onceuponatime not very long ago (last night) there was a Little Girl who did not want to go to bed. Now, her bedtime has long been 8 pm. This is not a new development nor a surprise. So the bedtime process starts about 7 pm. It begins with the Mommy telling the Little Girl to go get in the bathtub. The Little Girl pretends she does not hear. This goes on for about 15 minutes until the Mommy has to go peal the iPad headphones off the Little Girl’s head and barks “GET IN THE BATHTUB. NOW.” So the Little Girl heads off in that direction but then averts course and heads for the playroom. She sees the Mommy glaring. “I have to get TOYS” yells the Little Girl. The Mommy just shakes her head and says “well you better hurry up about it!”
Now, what IS a new development is the points system we have come up with in order to reward good behavior. The Mommy comes up with the brilliant idea to tell the Little Girl that she can have a point EVERY NIGHT if she’ll be in her bed by 8 pm. No exceptions – rules are rules. The Little Girl seems very excited by this but it’s deceiving.
Well to carry on with our story the Little Girl finally makes her way into the bathroom and finally out of her clothes, which are strewn about along with her shoes, and is in the tub about 7:30. Ten minutes into the bath, which is certainly long enough (could have been longer if the Little Girl had gotten into the bath when she was supposed to) the Mommy goes in to say “Hey, you have twenty minutes to get out, get dressed and brush your teeth in order to be in bed by 8 and earn your point!” The Little Girl says “well points aren’t that important anyway.” The Mommy just stares, defeated, shakes her head, and walks out. As she’s leaving she calls back “start letting the water out.” The Little Girl cries “Can I play until the water goes out?!” The Mommy is like WHATEVER KID and goes to the kitchen to make herself a cocktail.
Finally the Little Girl hollers that she needs a towel – because she can never manage to think of this ahead of time – and the Mommy obliges so that there will not be water dripping all through her hallway. At this point it should all be smooth sailing, correct? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Here is what happens next:
Dawdles to get dressed, whining that she needs help to put her clothes on. Asks if she can still have a point. Then disappears. The Mommy goes to look for her. She’s supposed to be brushing her teeth. Instead the Mommy finds her in the playroom saying goodnight to, and putting into tiny beds, every single PlayMobile figure, plastic horse, and Peppa Pig character she has gotten out that day. Mommy stares as the kid says “I have to put all these guys to bed and I’m trying to hurry so DON’T RUSH ME MOMMY.” Mommy goes to make another drink.
Then, Little Girl skips off to her bedroom (when she’s supposed to be brushing her teeth and in fact the Mommy has TOLD her to brush her teeth at least sixteen times by now) where she proceeds to put nighttime clothes on every baby doll and stuffed animal in her room. The Mommy puts a timer on and says if you aren’t ready for stories by the time this timer goes off then there will be no stories. A totally empty threat and apparently everybody knows this. Because it certainly doesn’t happen. What does happen is the incessant asking, whining and then begging to still get a point even though we are wayyyy beyond the 8 pm deadline. And while teeth do eventually get brushed and stories do eventually get chosen, it is by now 8:40 and the Mommy is worn out and SO DONE. She tucks the sweet tyke into her bottom bunk and bangs her head on the top bunk, as she does every single night but apparently never learns to avoid it while giving a kiss and a hug just so the kid can then say “I need to pee. But don’t worry, I can cover myself back up.” Which she most assuredly could NOT do the first time, apparently. Finally the Little Girl is settled under the covers with her star machine shining bright stars and the defuser going strong with “Calm.” Which is totally wishful thinking.
Quite relieved, the Mommy swings her leg over the chair in the Little Girl’s room and proceeds to happily play Words with Friends while simultaneously playing “Alex and Jackson” so the blessed infant will go to sleep until… she then hears… Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy sighs, turns off the music and says…
WHAT?!?!? “Mommy I’m scared of coyotes.” The Mommy sighs a deep, heartfelt sigh, and says “Baby Girl. There are NO coyotes in this house. It’s impossible for them to get in the house. Well, except for the one that lives in your closet and only comes out once you are asleep.” Which, of course, while funny and entertaining to the Mommy who has most assuredly lost her shit at this point, the child then starts to screech and cry and the Mommy knows it is all her fault but she can’t help it, she laughs anyway. Internally of course. So now they are battling fictitious coyotes, needing water, needing to pee, needing a hug and a kiss and 452 “catch the kiss Mommy” requests and finally, finally the Little Girl has been quiet for ten minutes and is undoubtedly, blessedly asleep. It is 9:14.
The Mommy goes into the kitchen to pour a glass of wine and melt into the silence that is a sleeping child at last.
The reason that I can write this story tonight is because the special, sweet child, is over at her Sister’s new apartment, for the first time and I don’t even know what to do with myself. It’s only 7:43 and I’m strongly considering a sleeping pill … I hope you all have as nice a night as I am having tonight.
