Death, O Death. You are not appreciated. The sadness, grief and despair you bring are not my friends. I know it is not your fault but please, take them right back with you and leave me alone. My tears are not for you to see, they are not yours by right though you may assume so. They are tears of love, not grief, and so they belong to me alone.
Death I despair of you, will you never learn? The way to a heart is not by taking away but by bringing light and love, not darkness and hate. I do hate you, Death, though you might be an angel in your own right you are not one for me.
Were the gates open, and the light shining? The choir singing and the harps rejoicing? A friend would tell me, a friend would let me feel that peace. Yes, you were kind. You were understanding, you were gentle and whispered softly. But you still came, even though you were patient with my Mom and swift with my Dad, you still came. Do you have remorse, Death? Are you an angel of sympathy?
I choose not to embrace you Death. For they are with me still. You cannot win against me, you cannot break me down. I feel them, you see, in my heart forevermore. And while I could not go down that journey with them right now, someday I will meet you for myself. And I expect the light. The harps and the choir. I expect you to take me to the feet of Jesus where my Mom and Dad will be.
I expect to go with you before my daughter, for that is the way of things. Please, Death, I implore you, go easy on her as you did with me. She may still hate you but that is your lot, you cannot escape it. Be gentle with me, but let me LIVE, Death, until it is my time. I do not want to become acquainted with you slowly.
I would like to meet you suddenly, on a quiet day, perhaps while I am in bed, but perhaps not. Maybe I will be on my front porch, taking in a little sun. Maybe I will be in the barn patting the noses of my favorite ponies. But let me live, please Death, please don’t have time for me.
I cannot forgive you, Death. For taking away two souls that meant the world to me. For not letting me see and understand, just that they were there and then they were gone. I wanted to feel the light, feel your presence, feel the angels beckoning. And I didn’t. Here and then gone. A final breath and then no more. How can I make my peace with that?
You understand, don’t you Death? You have had this conversation before. You are not a stranger to any of us, not really. And we will all have to learn to live with you. I write this letter, Death, to let you know that I am not afraid of you. I despise you, but I am not afraid. Be always gentle, Death, and I will work on forgiving you.
Choose me later, Death. Choose me quickly, when I am old and ready for you. Then I will go with you as a friend.
