Many of you have been following along with my struggle with depression. I have started a new treatment – have you heard of ketamine?
It’s called Spravato, and you treat yourself by spraying ketamine up your nostrils, in a clinical and controlled setting. I was extremely skeptical and fearful at first. While I am not usually afraid of things, being skeptical is second nature to me. Why would this work when nothing else has? I have been labeled as a “treatment resistant” depressive person. I have tried at least nine antidepressants since about 2012. None of them made a tremendous difference. Some of them made me feel just drugged, sluggish and slow and not able to function, nor to feel any emotion at all. I went years without crying. I couldn’t. Even if I felt the situation required it, or that it would help. Tears wouldn’t come. I hated that feeling.
Others have worked … some. They have pulled me back to the brink of functioning and having a little pleasure in life. They have made me stop just staring out the window at the world wishing I could be a part of it. They have gotten me to be able to contemplate happiness even if I could never quite reach that full potential. So when my doctor talked to me about Spravato, I told him some days I was “above” the functioning line, and some days “below” it. I could never seem to float high above that line, or even stay above it for more than a day or two. It’s been a constant rollercoaster and I am exhausted from it. He said it would help. I said “we’ll see.”
There are so many aspects to depression. Tiredness is just one small tip of the iceberg. Crying, feeling low, functioning at a very low level, compensating, finding no pleasure in things you used to love, sleeping too much, insomnia, eating too much, not eating enough, easily irritated, etc…. depression is all consuming. It affects every moment of your life. So I was willing to give this ketamine a try. It is an anesthetic, basically. But it opens up and creates new pathways in your brain. Things that have been shut down for a long time will start to fire up. Many people feel relief with just one treatment. Many people stop feeling suicidal. (I was never suicidal). People have cried happy tears. I read all the material, and all the stuff I could find on google. I went to the Spravato website and soaked in the information there.
I agreed. Let’s do it. I was pumped. And I was terrified because I had no idea what to expect. What happens is this: you go to the clinic, the doctor hands you the medicine box and you have to confirm that yes, this is your medicine (with your name on the box). It is an extremely controlled medication. Then you open the box yourself and take out the nasal spray. You spray once in each nostril, wait five minutes, then do it twice more to get the full dose. I have had six of these treatments so far and finally, finally, I am starting to see results. The clouds have parted.
Then you are stuck at the clinic for at least two hours while they observe you. The medication is a trip. I imagine it’s like being high. The effects aren’t the same for everyone but this is what happens to me…. I enter a surreal state with my entire body going slightly numb – like your gums when you are at the dentist – it’s a feeling like that. I have my headphones on and have the music going. There are even playlists for “Spravato” music. I tried that once, but then decided I preferred to choose my own tunes. It is a very hard experience to describe but here’s my version. I go numb all over and it feels like a weight is pressing my body into my chair. But my mind is going crazy with neurons firing everywhere – so fast I can’t keep up. If I move my head a centimeter I swear it will fall off. The music is dancing! I can see it, I am the music – it’s so intense that I swear I am the music myself. The words are my words – they are in my soul. They become me. I have to remember to take breaths because I can’t tell if I am breathing or not. And then… it wears off and the music is just flat again, the room is no longer spinning and I can move my body again.
You get woozy. You couldn’t possibly walk in this state. You really can’t even see. They call it disassociation. I call it high as a kite. My husband has to drop me off at the clinic then pick me up two hours later – so fun for him. The overall feeling lasts thirty to forty minutes for me. I will tell you what – I resisted like hell the first few treatments. I hated the way it made me feel, I hated the burning sensation in my throat, the taste, the nausea, the wildness, the out of control. I hated everything about it. At first you go twice a week, for four weeks. I have one more week of this, then it will drop to once a week, then hopefully every other week. It’s a commitment for sure.
I have been listening to P!NK for several sessions now. She’s extremely relatable and human. She makes me feel (during the sessions) as if it’s my voice coming from her. It’s a crazy feeling – you can understand all the words because you are them. I know it doesn’t make sense but there you have it. I dipped into Miley Cyrus one time because Baby Girl was listening to her stuff but I couldn’t get into that. She’s got a couple great songs, but she’s not for me, really. If you haven’t heard it, P!NK’s song Turbulence sounds like to me, a cry for help from someone who is depressed. It makes perfect sense. My life has been one long bout of turbulence for about thirteen years… starting after my miscarriage. I remember Tony imploring me, “please please don’t get depressed, I don’t think I could handle it, I wouldn’t know what to do.”
Y’all. He has been a rock. He may not have the right words all the time, or in fact, any words at all. But he listens. He listens to all my fear, anxiety, anger, irritations, crap that comes out of my mouth. He absolutely knows how I’ve hated feeling this way. That song, Turbulence, defines him perfectly. He is my permanent.
The first few weeks of this treatment had me angry and irritated with everything and everyone. I have years of repressed emotions that I need to deal with. Years of my brain shutting down and putting by the wayside to deal with later. By treatment number five I was wondering if it would ever work, if it was yet another path that led nowhere.
Now is later. Now is the time. I am still going through some turbulence but I can see past it. I am hopeful and encouraged. I have woken up these past few days ready to get up and work. And THAT is a beautiful feeling.
(Picture of me and my first pony Abby, just because I felt like sharing it – I was terrified of this very solid, very tall jump. She got me over it easily. Just a little symbolism here).
