Month: December 2024

It’s 6 am and I’m up. I’m the only one and it’s peaceful. I take a picture of the kid’s new bike in front of the tree and watch the lights twinkle.

She’s never been one to wake up early and pounce on my bed demanding me to “get up it’s Christmas!” Far from disappointing me, I enjoy the peace before the day begins. Our day will not be crazy or hectic, though. That was yesterday. Today’s agenda includes opening gifts, cleaning up wrapping paper, making gingerbread muffins and that’s it really. Oh, and taking a nap. But then, that’s most days for me! Only today my husband gets to relax, too, instead of being handed a honey-do list or the ever-lengthening list for the barn improvements and chores.

The kid always gets to relax (insert eye roll here). I’ve decided, now that she’s ten, that I should upgrade her nickname to the kid, instead of Baby Girl.

Yesterday was a time of quiet reflection for me. I spent the entire day cleaning, cooking and cajoling. Finally got the kid to complete most of her chores, and I got the beds re-made and the floor vacuumed. I wanted the house clean so that it would be nice for Sissy and her boyfriend when they came over and so that I could fully relax on Christmas Day. Who else needs their space clean and organized before they can relax?! But it was while I was cooking that the real reflection came. My Mom. My Dad. Weren’t here to help and laugh with me. Mom was always in the kitchen. Dad always getting up to no good with some project he insisted that “T” help him with. We thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. The laughs were epic, the memories very powerful.

It’s the chopping of vegetables for me. I can’t do it and not think of my Mom. Feel her there, hear her voice. It’s evening and I can hear my Dad say “we need to feed the nags?” and asking when we’re going to eat. They’re both with me, all the time.

Christmas used to be different. I helped, not did. I bought gifts for family and my parents basically did the rest. Now I’m the parent. And I do it all. Tony was just as surprised as the kid when she opened her presents. His lone contribution was to put the new bike together and add the basket for Luna to the handlebars. He was also in charge of the cookies and milk left out for Santa. This is what I handled: gifts for EVERYONE (starting as early as August – I’m no slouch!), the cleaning, the wrapping, buying the tree, setting up the tree (Tony helped), decorating the tree, decorating the house, cleaning, creating the 2025 calendars for the kid and the MIL, ordering the gifts, going to stores to purchase gifts, the liquor store, more gifts, more wrapping, the menu for Christmas Eve (when Sissy and her crew comes over), the cooking, the baking, the grocery shopping, the post office, the Christmas Cards, the photos for said cards. What have I missed? I skipped decorating the barn this year, I skipped lights on the house. I mean, you can only do so much.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, all Moms do so much. It just felt like a lot, yesterday. And I was exhausted. I started “celebrating” early, at 3 pm – it felt like a good time to start. And who wants to cook dinner without a little drink? I was worried about my pork tenderloin. I asked Tony to grab BBQ from Clark’s on the way home. Momentary panic when we realized they weren’t open. Decided we would eat the pork and just go with it (it actually turned out just fine and very edible).

We still have horses to take care of. Today I need to clean stalls. Last night we had to turn out ponies (I made the kid and Daddy do this as I was cleaning up after dinner.) Oh, what about the Christmas dishes and setting the table? I did that. When Sissy made it to the house about 4 pm, she had little B with her, but the boyfriend didn’t come – he has a daughter, too, and she was sick. I felt the pressure lift. I don’t know why I felt so worried about the boyfriend coming, but I’ll put it down to my social insecurities. Love how Sissy steps in and helps cook when she is here, while PaPa T chases little B around, swooping him up and staring out the window at the horses. No outside, PaPa says, we aren’t going outside right now. Little B is miffed. That’s his favorite thing to do.

The kid is excited (somewhat) to get a Bark phone – no apps or data, text and call only at this stage. I told her she has to prove she can be responsible and take care of it and not abuse it or hurl abuse at me, before I will upgrade it. But then as Tony and I were trying to get it set up I accidentally blocked my own phone number and I can’t figure out how to unblock it. Annoying. Now I have to wait until tomorrow to call someone about it. So she can’t even use it yet.

At any rate, the season is almost over. I’ll have more time to write. More time to relax. It’s going to pour again tomorrow so I’ll have more time to nap (and clean more stalls). Last year I refused to do much for “the season” as I was intensely grieving my Mom and I was sad and depressed. This year I did too much. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Everyone is happy. Even me. Especially me. I got warm fuzzy boots that I love and Winnie the pooh socks. What could be better?!

Merry Christmas everyone! I sincerely hope you have a very relaxing day. I’ll be here, trying to focus on what I manage to have and hold onto, instead of what’s missing so much.

Much love to all.

Julie

I remembered that another girl at Baby Girl’s school had done homeschooling the year before, and that she was now back in public school. A child Baby Girl has grown up with and known since kindergarten, I decided to message the Mom.

Yes! She exclaimed, we loved it! If you only have one child I highly recommend it. I just couldn’t manage it with three. (I totally understand that!) She told me all about a place north of us in Collinsville that she said I needed to check out. A homeschool co-op. Now, I know next to nothing about homeschooling, other than I am responsible for Baby Girl’s education and all I can picture is her laying spread eagled on the floor refusing to do any work and crying, like what happened in COVID Kindergarten. I asked her what a co-op is and she told me the kids go there from nine to two Monday thru Wednesday. Well, that sounded ideal to me! Not having to be totally in charge, all by myself.

So I checked out their website. I read everything there was to read. I looked up homeschooling in Texas. Super easy – there are no rules in Texas. All I have to do is withdraw her from public school with my intent to homeschool and viola! Home school child. Well, this doesn’t sound too bad, I thought to myself. She’s still out of the house Monday thru Wednesday for a few hours, I’ll teach her myself on Thursdays and then we’ll have Fridays off. Which is perfect for going to horseshows! I will no longer have to worry about how many days of school she is missing. In Texas, in public school, you have to go to school 180 days, 170 of which you must be present. Baby Girl has already missed 7 days due to horseshows (and horseshow hangovers). It stresses me out.

This alone is not a reason to homeschool, I know. But it sure makes me happy. Plus, this particular homeschool is all about nature, and somatically learning – it’s aptly called The Wild School. They are very serious about the kids learning to love themselves and each other, love nature and work with it. They offer gardening, sewing, cooking and mindfulness activities in addition to the regular reading, riting and rithmatic.

There will be only four other girls in her “pod.” We skipped regular school on Tuesday and went to visit. At first I stayed with her, and Baby Girl was shy and withdrawn. I left at lunchtime and later she told me – “it’s a good thing you left!” She was much more open and engaged without me there. The place is just the director’s home, with a large open garage that serves the younger kids and a large building down the hill that serves the older ones. Lots of dirt and animals. Two cats, a Great Pyrenees and a pig called Olive. I need to teach these kids about horses, I thought to myself! They would love it. I wonder if they do field trips? Lots of sunshine and rain, mud and flowers and things to explore. They do journaling each morning. They do yoga occasionally. They consistently work together as a team. I’m impressed even while I’m slightly astounded and intimidated at my surroundings. It’s all so different.

Baby Girl was more cautious than me. She wasn’t sure. The next night her Daddy, herself and myself went to their end of school party and watched a documentary that the kids had made themselves, involving every kid (and animal) in the school. Daddy said – this is what she needs. The decision was made.

When it came time to tell her teachers at public school, one of them wasn’t there that day and that made Baby Girl really sad, so I promised I would email her. One of the teachers was completely shocked and the other one (the homeroom teacher) cried, and thru her tears said it makes sense for us (with the horseshows).

Two of Baby Girl’s friends came up to me and told me they objected to her leaving. And I said, well it makes sense for her. One of them said “yeah, with all her habits.” WTH does that mean? I was annoyed and even more sure we were making the right move.

I feel complete relief at the decision we have made. And as I am a teacher at heart, I’m looking forward to supplementing her education – as long as she will listen to me! Which she swears she will. We will learn about grief (long overdue), we will learn about the Bible, puberty, how to do a load of laundry, how to clip the horses, give them shots and de-worm them. We will learn about money and checking accounts and debit cards. There are so many, many options and I am open to all of them.

We will go to the theatre, the aquarium and the arboretum. The possibilities are endless! I have to admit I am excited, and really can’t wait to get started. Maybe this is what Baby Girl has needed all along and I was just slow to realize it. Maybe she and I will get closer and have more respect and admiration for each other thru this process, maybe there will be less fighting and loud voices and tears and hurt feelings.

Maybe there will be less “I don’t feel goods” and “My head hurts” and tears when I pick her up from school. Maybe this will be a life changer.

Fingers crossed and please send prayers and good vibes. Our hearts and minds are open and excited for this new adventure.

Hell no, I used to say, over and over again when Baby Girl would ask. No way I can do that, you couldn’t pay me enough, one of us would be crying every day and it would probably be me.

It all started back in second grade. Grandpa died the week after school started and I kindly explained to the teacher that Baby Girl might struggle a little as she and Grandpa were very, very close and this was going to be hard for her. Plus, she’s seven. And she was present when he died. Teacher made all the right noises, and then ignored Baby Girl’s grief. No grace at all, as far as I could tell. She started lashing out when frustrated, not keeping her hands to herself very well. She started getting in trouble a lot. She felt that she could not talk to the teacher because she would say “are you tattling, or telling?” Baby girl didn’t know the difference. She was just trying to stand up for herself and process her grief and sadness.

I got her counseling. She went every other week and the counselor was kind, but tough. Telling Baby Girl all the stuff she should be able to do by herself at the age of 7… then 8. We finally stopped going. The other day I was talking to her and said “the counselor never talked to you about Grandpa, did she? About how you felt?” Baby Girl said – no, she never asked. Now, seeing as how that was the main reason we went… you’d think…. but I guess the counselor wanted Baby Girl to bring it up first. Which she absolutely wasn’t going to do. And then Bruno broke his leg. So there was a lot of focus on that, and how her attitude (black cloud) affects other people and how to calm down in situations when she doesn’t feel in control. Which basically went out the window when she was in those actual situations.

At any rate, one day at school a little boy in the line up was picking on Baby Girl. I don’t know what he was saying but she loudly said “If you don’t shut up I’m going to KILL you!”

Did she have any real idea what she was saying? What that meant? Of course not. Did she get in major trouble for it? Yes. Sent to the principal’s office and made to do ISS the next day. I was livid. I wanted grace, I guess, and I didn’t get it. It didn’t occur to me then, but why wasn’t the school counselor involved? Why on earth did a seven year old seem threatening with a comment she made, in order to stand up for herself when she was being picked on? All that happened was that Baby Girl learned that school could be a scary place instead of a fun one.

I never had any problems getting her to go to school before that. That day she sat bawling in the car not wanting to get out to face her “punishment.” I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t know if I had any recourse, or anything I could do. So she went. Then started the “I don’t feel good’s” and the “I have a headache’s” every morning before school.

Now, despite some AMAZING teachers, in third and fourth grades, Baby Girl just wasn’t into school anymore. She slowly lost confidence – in school, in herself, in her ability to make and keep friends, in her academics. Not just from that one incident – I’m not saying that – just that that was the catalyst that started us on this path of “please can I be homeschooled!” Which concept, of course, she learned during kindergarten’s and first grade’s COVID.

Finally, fifth grade. The “I want to stay home’s” were worse than ever, even knowing her teachers all loved and appreciated her, and she them. She has three teachers this year, and they are all lovely people. However, there are a few students or “friends” that she clashes with and for some reason she really lets them get to her. She will also push back, when pushed. She’s not the type to just walk away. She’ll snap back when snarly things are said to her, or else she’ll cry. Depends on the day and the mood. Getting in trouble is at an all time high. Me picking her up in the car line and she’s crying or just upset because someone was mean to her. She gets in deep moods. She’s ten. I’m worried. I know this will all just get worse in middle school. She doesn’t seem to have the strategies to cope.

Then, the final straw. I won’t go into detail here to save her privacy but something big happens. Then happens again. It’s not good. As well, another kid called her a jerk in my presence (I had gone to have lunch with her) and I was basically called to the principal’s office because I stepped up and told him not to talk to my kid that way. Am I sorry? Absolutely not. This is the same kid who has called her gay and a furry. I’m tired of it. She did not absolutely nothing to antagonize him (at least on that occasion).

I sit in the car on the next to last day of school. We have already visited the homeschool co-op (more on that later). I am in the car line and I can see the kids at recess. I still don’t know why their recess is at the very end of the day. I see her swinging, by herself, and I think to myself “just keep swinging, Baby Girl, just keep swinging.” I didn’t want her interacting with any of the other kids. I didn’t want her to get in trouble again. I am tired. Something has to change. And it’s going to. We have made the decision.

Next blog post – all about the decision and the homeschool co-op.