Month: June 2021

Acceptance

I had a dream the other night that my Mom had died. And when I went to the hospital to see her I learned that she really hadn’t died at all. That they had taken her off of a medication she was on and the result was that she was completely back to normal. Her old self. Before Alzheimer’s. I was astounded, and so very happy. It wasn’t a sad dream at all. I was able to be with her and talk to her again and have her talk back. I don’t remember if we actually said much at all during the dream, but what I do remember is just such a feeling of peace and calmness.

I thought about the dream all the next day. I carried it with me. I told my best friend Pooh about it. I wondered what it meant. I thought that maybe it was referring to the deep seated fear I have that my Mom is really ok inside her head, and she just can’t tell us. That she’s trapped, so to speak, like those people we hear of in vegetative states whose brains are actually ok but they are paralyzed and not able to communicate. I realize there is virtually no chance that this is the case with my Mom but still the thought of it haunts me. The fact that she has lost control of bodily functions, eats with her hands and has forgotten how to clean her teeth with her tongue while she’s eating means that her brain really isn’t working at all. But still I worry. Because I know that if this were the case she would be truly, truly miserable.

The last few weeks have been tough – Mom has cried and been teary on several visits. Including one time when I FaceTime’d her and she cried because she couldn’t touch me – she was able to communicate that enough that we figured out what was wrong. Her whole face lights up when she sees me, and she immediately reaches for me, so I know that FaceTime really isn’t a good second option if I can’t get there. In fact, that day I was so unnerved by her tears that I dropped what I was doing in order to drive out to see her. Even though I had already told myself I didn’t have time, that I was too tired as well.

And the time before that she cried as well. Teared up a LOT the entire time I was there. I think always that her tears are not just tears because she missed me, but also because she so desperately wants to tell me something and can’t. A few days later her nurse, Roxie, put her on a new pain medication and that seems to have made a difference. Maybe she was in pain. Maybe when she saw me she thought “here’s Julie – she’ll be able to know what I want.” And then frustration because I didn’t.

There’s no shortage of pain and guilt and sadness and rage within me. But as I sat with her one day a week or so ago something new crept in. A sliver of acceptance. It snuck in across the floor and slithered its way up to where I sat, her hand in mine, and touched my heart. She was dozing and I was quiet, sitting there watching, and I felt it. And I was glad. Acceptance means I can see her now in a new light. I can appreciate the beauty that is still there, the way love still radiates from her eyes. I can be more still when I’m with her, not always trying so hard to DO something, but just to sit, and be quiet and hold her hand.

Mom doesn’t care if I fill the birdfeeder up with birdseed. She doesn’t care if I walk her around the building or down the street – although she does enjoy it very much. She doesn’t mind if I don’t bring a new book to read. I don’t have to find a new way to reach her. Her hand in mine, the joy in our hearts is enough.

Pooh said maybe the dream meant a release from pain and a newfound peace. She was referring to when Mom actually does pass away. But maybe, just maybe, we’re already there.

Birthday Wishes

Tonight my Dad asked me what I want for my birthday. My immediate answer was – “I don’t know, Dad, everything I want is so expensive.” We have always been gift givers. We like to buy for other people and we like to give presents. Even as adults the gifting didn’t slow down – just became more expensive and less quantitative. At least from my parents down to us kids. We, my brother and I, also like to give meaningful gifts to my parents and our kids and everyone. We shop, we think, we ponder, we wonder and we muse over what to give. What, what will cause the most joy? Which of us can give the most appreciated gift? Yes, it’s a challenge and almost always my brother wins. I have a good memory so I remember what people want and like. My brother, however, has imagination and also the creative ability to do interesting things. I am always awed by what he thinks up.

As I think about what I want for my birthday, what I really, really want (besides world domination. I mean peace. Of course) there are things that come to mind.

Obviously I would like for my mom not to have Alzheimer’s. I understand that this isn’t possible, though, so I have come up with a few other things. For instance…

I would like to understand why I find sticks and rocks on my kitchen floor, and why, if I ignore it long enough, my husband doesn’t step in and either return the offending items back to nature or ask our child what they are doing there. Would these things stay there, on the floor, forever? Who will step on the stick first? What are they for?

I would like to know why my daughter insists on acting like a puppy even though she is now seven years old. I would like to know where my hairbrush is and why I never find it on my first circuit around the house and which of my daughters has taken the detangling spray and where they have put it. I would like there to be less laundry. I would like to find whatever the obscure button is that makes me lose weight and do I have to stop drinking wine to accomplish this?

I would like to wear my new Ariat jean shorts I can’t fit into. Same for my swim suits. I would like to have a day where pain doesn’t enter into every thing I do. I would like for my cat to stop yowling at me non stop and for the kitty litter I order to actually come on time. I would like to go to church and not feel anxiety at the very thought of it. I would like to spend an evening on a front porch swing I don’t yet have drinking wine with Tony and listening to country music while Baby Girl plays in the front yard.

I would like to sweep my floors and have them stay clean for a day. An hour. I would like a bigger desk because for some reason my husband has the bigger desk even though I do all the financials and business stuff. Why did I allow this to happen? I have five books I have yet to read and even though I read every single night before bed I would like to still be able to discuss them with my mom, and also have more time to read. On a beach. With a drink in my hand and the ocean waves rolling.

I would like to get rid of this damn king size mattress that is taking up space in my garage. I would like to spend more time with my friends. I would like to talk to God and ask him why, WHY do things happen the way they do? Just a conversation, like sitting down and having a drink on a pier by the lake with Him. I would like to know when life gets easier and if we ever get to where we really want to be. I would like to have access to unlimited hay (for free) and to be able to clone Baby Girl’s precious, amazing pony so that every little girl can have one. I would like never to have to say goodbye.

As I come back down to reality, and as far as my birthday goes, I suppose some new clothes would be nice. Maybe a dinner out and a cupcake with a candle. A sweet card from my husband and something handmade from Baby Girl. My Dad picking up the dinner check and actually coming with us. Those are the things that could possibly happen. Those are the things I will treasure and be grateful for. And spending an hour or two with my Mom. Even though she won’t know it’s my birthday. I’ll tell her anyway and she’ll love that I’m there with her. She’ll pat my arms and hug me and she’ll know who I am. And that’s enough for me.