We never know which tiny piece of snow holds back the avalanche. We don’t know until that one piece finally shifts, or lets go, and then everything rushes down. I’ve been searching for my own Atlas, and I haven’t found it yet. Today was just one more tiny piece of what I hope is the crumbling pie.
Atlas holds the weight of the world on his shoulders and this is how I feel everyday. But more than just feeling responsible for everyone and everything around me, is the shame and disgust I feel about my own self. That may sound harsh but it’s true – so true. Five years ago I was about 40 pounds lighter and a half a world away from F*A*T. Ten years ago I was 50 pounds lighter and strong – and happy. Stressed out of course – because if horses are your life you are ALWAYS stressed – but happy nonetheless.
When you are five foot two fifty/forty pounds is a LOT. So what happened? I couldn’t even tell you. Getting older? Sure. Hormones changing? Sure? Depression? Probably. But I honestly think that not being able to live life MY WAY all the time was the kicker. It’s easy to blame having a child for your body to change – but having a child also changed the entire way I view my world. As it should, right? The kid becomes your universe. But somewhere in the last five years I lost myself.
It started with less riding, and then pain set in. The pain got worse until it became unbearable to ride. The fear factor was there as well – if I ride I may fall and then I won’t be able to take care of my kid because I will be hurt and it’s also hard to take care of her if I’m in pain. I became less confident. Less confident equals less riding. I remember just a few months after Baby Girl was born I was riding a large pony and for some unknown reason that pony decided I was trying to ask for a lead change (I was not) and he did not agree that a lead change was in the plan. So he bucked me off. And I was surprised as I landed on my back in the dirt, surprised that he got me. And it shook me. The pain was intense. My baby was only two months old.
Along with less riding and more pain comes more responsibility. Who is going to watch Baby Girl if I’m not? Especially in the beginning when my husband was in Haiti. My parents didn’t live close and most of my friends didn’t live close either. It was hard. I used to strap her car seat onto the four wheeler in order to go feed the horses. But she’s always been a demanding child and doing anything while watching her was damn near impossible. So I stopped cleaning the barn, fixing jumps, and taking care of the paddocks, except for what was absolutely necessary.
I was tired. I took a lot of naps. Depression set in and all I wanted to do was sleep. I still take a lot of naps – it’s an escape. The only time I do not have to be responsible for anything. And then came my aging parents – who are not to blame of course, but as their daughter I am one-half of all they have and they are my responsiblity as well. We’ve always been a close-knit family and I’m certainly not going to let them down.
I’ve been trying for years to lose weight – even as I watch it creep higher and higher still. I worry about sugar, and diabetes, and depression (sugar blocks seratonin after all) and I worry about heart disease and most of all, about Dementia. I think that the healthier I get the more likely I am to avoid Alzheimer’s. I have read book after book about healthy eating. I have made a lot of small changes. I joined CrossFit. I push myself. But I’m still tired. Still overweight. Still hate the way I look in the mirror. When push comes to shove and I get stressed I turn to sugar and carbs every time. It’s easy.
I hate to cook. I prefer things that are ready made. I don’t want to peel vegetables and figure out what to do with them to make them edible. I did cut out most fried food awhile back – acid reflux made that decision easy. Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke are way more satisfying than water. I’m only counting down the hours til it’s time to drink wine anyway. I do drink water – just not enough. I eat all the right things – just not enough. I go to work out – just not enough. I’ve cut back on the sugar – just not enough.
What will it take? Where is my Atlas? I need that avalanche to fall – I need to lose weight and not hate the way I look, I want to look sexier and younger and I want to FEEL LIKE A BAD ASS. I want to wear the clothes I already own and not fill them out so well and so much. I want to fit in jeans I haven’t worn in years. And I want to be a bad ass Mama. These kids that look at their mama’s in the gym while they’re lifting 200 plus in a clean – I want to be one of those mom’s.
I know I can do it. Maybe the wine is my Atlas….