Month: August 2019

Baby Girl is growing up. Faster than I’d like? Maybe not. Growing up in ways that make me proud, and secretly thrilled and maybe just a little bit nostalgic. It’s all the tiny little things that I notice every day. One day she stopped asking (demanding) me to wipe her cute little butt. The past week she’s been getting herself out of the bathtub and drying herself off. I no longer have to wrap her up and rub her down and carry her out of the bathroom (a blessing really!). She can brush her own teeth – thank the Lord. She can make her own lunch. Now there might be a few more kit-kat’s and a few less fruits in that lunch than would be otherwise acceptable… but she can do it. She understands the difference between healthy food and junk. School shoes and shoes that can get dirty. She may not like it, but she understands it.

And yet… today there was red marker stuff all over the playroom floor. She tried to eat her dinner with her hands instead of her spoon. I am still required to turn on the light in the bathroom before she’ll go in it. She had a full-blown meltdown when it was time for bed because she didn’t want to stop playing (and because she didn’t want Daddy in her room telling her to cut it out). And I think – THERE she is. That baby that still needs me. That tiny little girl with the huge emotions.

Kindergarten IS AWESOME she cries as she gets out of school. But just this morning the thunder and lightening woke her up and she comes streaking into my room and straight into my arms. I’m not going to school if it’s raining she says. Get her outside and she wants to jump in all the muddy puddles.

I have work to do she tells me as I pick her up from school. I have to do the laundry, and the soccer ball, and play with Tess and take her for a walk and do my schoolwork and …. I listen to her ramble but she is totally serious. It’s adorable and I love her enthusiasm. And then… “WAAAHHHHH, MOMMMMMMYYYYYY TESS WON’T LISTEN TO ME! BAD DOG! But I still love you my little puppy-wuppy but MOMMMMYYY SHE’S A BAD DOG!” I roll my eyes and come to the rescue. She probably just can’t get the snap on the lead because Tess is overexcited and jumping up and down. Passion and drama are not in short supply around here.

She carefully lays out her clothes for school the next morning, lining them up just right so that it looks like a person. I am not allowed to help. But when she gets really upset and is crying about something I scoop her up and rock her like I used to even though she doesn’t really fit in the rocker anymore. She lays her head on my chest and snuffles and cries and I absorb the moment. I smell her head. I sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Mommy? she asks. What Baby? I say. Can you smell I tooted? And I sigh and laugh and push her out of the chair as she giggles.

She makes me crazy all the time. We are so much alike and yet she is way more intense than I am. If I tell her she CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have another snack she will yell FINE I’LL GET IT MYSELF. And I ask myself – how did I phrase that wrong? It sounds pretty clear-cut to me. Apparently all she hears is that I won’t get her one, not that she can’t have one. So we battle. A LOT. And she cries A LOT. And I cry (more than I’d admit to). And then I’ll notice one more thing that she’s doing without me. One more tiny little thing that I am no longer required for. She’s absolutely welcome to wipe her own tush – that one I don’t miss. It’s just that it kind of sneaks up on you. It’s only later that you realize “Hey, I haven’t done that for her in a while.” She’s getting out of the tub on her own and drying off and putting pj’s on and next thing you know she’s in college.

So I’ll notice. I’ll notice all the little things. And I’ll smile to myself and be proud of her. But I’ll still hold her and smell her head whenever she needs me to.

TEN MORE DAYS. Ten more days til FREEDOM!!! I’m the mom celebrating and cheering and roaring out of the school driveway. Y’all I have been waiting for this day for five years. Five long years.

Kindergarten! What a beautiful word. It’s the word of the month! We will have to leave the house at 7:30 AM to get to school drop off. And then I get to leave her there until 3:30! It’s like my birthday and Christmas and the Easter Bunny all at once! F R E E D O M.

I’m a little excited. Baby girl – not so much. She is not feeling it. Not wanting to leave her pre-school, not wanting to make new friends, not wanting to go learn new things. She’s been battling a wicked ear infection for the last three weeks due to granulomas in her ears, a complication of ear tubes. I just found that out today. It’s been seriously fun with the pus and blood and continuous drainage and pain and crying and motrin and antibiotics that never end. On the plus side she has now slept in her own bed the past five nights. Two of those five nights were blissful. Three of them were not. Still, I am determined to get her in her own bed before school officially starts. Why do I start something new in the middle of an ear infection? Because I’m a hard-headed, stubborn and ridiculously over optimistic person. Not really, but in this case yes. We’re trudging through, making progress and doing things the hard way as always.

But. Pretty soon the MOMMY! every five minutes will be a thing of the past (well at least during school hours). I’ll be able to concentrate on something for more than 3 minutes at a time. I have made myself a list of all the things I want to do while she’s in school. Maybe the overly optimistic part is a little more true than I care to admit. My list includes things like “cooking and recipes,” “ride more,” “clean the house.” Seriously have to put clean the house on the list! It’s pretty tragic. Baby Girl has ruled my entire waking (and mostly sleeping) life for the past five years. It’s time for me to get back to being me. I’ll get to go do things outside by myself! Instead of forlornly watching Tony mow the grass through the window with a screaming / crying / whining child in the background assaulting my ears and my psyche.

If baby girl is crying or whining at school I will be blissfully unaware. If she is not listening, or refusing to do what is asked of her, or moving slower than a fly stuck in molasses or arguing with someone that the sky is NOT BLUE, it’ll be someone else’s problem. Not mine! Of course, I am sure she will be a total angel while at school and will save up all her drama for me in the evenings.

I will not have to stop what I am doing to wipe her butt, or get her a snack, or a drink. I will not have to cover her highness with a blanket while she is watching TV, or listen to her whine at me to please please please let her play games on my phone. I won’t have to hear her scream at the dog, I won’t have to tell her nine times to put her play doh away or to quit torturing the dog or that she doesn’t need another FREAKING snack.

It’s gonna be a dream come true. I might even get to meet one of you for lunch. Alone. I might get to take a bath alone in the middle of the day with the door shut and no one banging on it or demanding to get in with me. Or just go to the bathroom without someone barging in. I might get to go enjoy my horses and take my time with them instead of trying to get all the shit done so I can move on to the next thing that Baby Girl needs from me. I could weedeat or mow the paddocks. I could eat lunch peacefully without having to get up every five seconds to fulfill some new request. I could finish this blog in peace without someone yelling that they want me to turn the movie on.

But mostly, silence. Just silence for awhile will fill me back up with everything I need to be a good mom. Silence during the days will make me appreciate Baby Girl’s over the top attitude and dramatic reaction to everything she’s going to throw at me at the end of the day. I swear, for five years, I have not had time to just BE. To be who I was before her. To be anyone but Mommy. There are plenty of moms who are going to be crying on the first day of kindergarten saying “my baby’s growing up too fast” with tears running down their faces. I will not be one of them. I will be rejoicing in my newfound freedom. I will be getting the space I need in order to be a better, more patient, more loving Mommy. I am not scared of her growing up. I embrace it. Because one day she will be an adult daughter, and if the relationship I have with my mom is anything to go by, those are the best kinds of daughters to have.

Lord have mercy on me as Kindergarten starts. Let me be patient when I drop her off and not push her out of the car door and speed away. I’m just kidding y’all. I wouldn’t do that. Well not on the first day, anyway.

Happy School Days here we come!!