I wake up into a black hole, a tornado – blackness swirling in my head. Anger, irritation, a fierce desire to crawl into my bed and stay silent. Please don’t talk to me, please don’t ask me to do anything. It’s too much, I can’t… I can’t.
But I have to. I have to be the Mom, that’s the main thing. I can’t let my darkness envelop her too. I have to put that brave face on, as much as I can, and be the Mom. But if it’s a school day then I only have to do it for a little while before I can drop her off with a fake smile to the teaching staff, have a great day Baby Girl, and I can let it all drop away again with my car door closing. On those days it’s back home immediately, I can’t handle the traffic, the people, the noise. If you call me I won’t answer. If you text me I will ignore it. I will troll Facebook without seeing, I will smile vaguely at Instagram. I will not watch the news, or read the stories about the evil in the world. I will not communicate with anyone who might give me unwelcome news. I will not send any emails or do any work. I can’t. I can’t meet you for lunch my friend, please understand. I can only survive – push through the day with as little drama as possible and pray that the darkness is short lived.
If it’s not a school day, then it’s waiting, waiting, waiting for Daddy to wake up (he works nights) so he can take over and I can give in to the darkness. It’s play with me Mommy and help me do play-doh and I’m hungry and please please please wake up soon Daddy because Mommy is drowning. If I can give in, just for a little while, maybe it’ll be ok again. Maybe it’ll push back, fade away enough for me to be the Mom later in the day and be the Instructor and Barn Owner and horse person. Maybe the exhaustion will lift just a little. Just enough. Maybe I can even be the Friend, or the Wife. But to be Me? That’s too much effort. That gets left behind until I am feeling better, until the darkness recedes and the light comes in.
The light is always there, I tell myself, it’s there – behind the darkness. It’s there waiting to be seen. Like the scene at the end of the movie Twister where the tornado breaks up and the sun comes out. That’s how it feels, that’s what I need to happen. Sometimes it’s only one day, sometimes it’s weeks or even months. But the light is always there and it always comes back. I have to remember that, hold onto it, because the darkness is so complete, so strong that it’s easy to despair. Hold on to me Baby Girl, hold on to me – just be happy Mommy she says, I want us all to be happy. Oh me too, baby, me too.