I buy Baby Girl new toys because I’M bored. I admit it – it’s not her fault. We can go into the store and come out toyless – she will admire, and love on stuffed animals and point things out but if I tell her to put something back she does. And we move on. (This does not apply to the cereal aisle by the way – only toys.) If, however, I go to the store by myself, I will absolutely not come out toyless. I can spend a good thirty minutes cruising the toy aisles, looking for things I think Baby Girl should have. I went to Target yesterday to find an iPhone case. I came out with cat food, cat treats, a puzzle for three year olds and a perfectly adorable 2T Minnie Mouse swimsuit. I looked at Baby Girl toys and clothes for so long that I ran out of time to go to the actual grocery store. There’s something about being in Target all by yourself that makes you feel totally Zen for a little bit. You don’t even have to take a Xanax to go in there like you do for Walmart. You do, right?
I mean honestly, what is the point of having a baby GIRL if you don’t spend hours looking at clothes for her? And as for the toys, well – I don’t play well. I’m implored by Baby Girl to “pway ME!” (meaning play with me mama!) about fifteen times a day. I try, I really do. But playing is boring. I last about five to ten minutes before I’m desperately trying to get up and go do something else. We play with the same toys a billion times. We do the same puzzles, play with the same babies, read the same books and color with the same broken crayons every hour of every day. We watch the same Mouse shows and Doc and Elena and Sofia and the Lion Guard until I can’t stand the sound of any of it.
So then we go outside to play. Or we start playing outside after we feed the horses. Again, I last maybe 15 minutes before I’m begging her “let’s go inside!” (I know – I’m terrible). And Baby Girl really loves being outside, unless it’s cold. She’d stay out there for hours if I could stand it. I love being outside, too, but I have to be working – not just standing around watching her go down a slide fourteen times or pushing her in the swing or picking up rocks. I mean, I get it – playing for her is essential and super fun. That’s what her life is all about right now! It’s just that I have so much to do and so much on my mind that it’s damn near impossible to just completely chill out and while away the hours.
In fact, I absolutely can’t do it. I am ALWAYS thinking about what all I need to do that day in order to keep our house running, our business running, and all the bills paid and my clients happy. Having been almost 39 years old when Baby Girl was born does not lend itself well to slowing down and chilling out when you are used to doing things all day long in an effort to get shit done. I mean, if I didn’t still have the business, then of course it would be easier – but I would still be bored out of my mind. I like to be busy. I like to work outside – I like to accomplish tasks and cross things off lists. I like to relax in the evening after a day spent DOING. I don’t relax during the day even without Baby Girl imploring me to.
I also like to make Baby Girl happy. So I buy new toys. So that I can play for another twenty minutes and not want to be doing something else. I like organizing her playroom, too, but that is a fruitless task. I have this image of a perfectly organized, clean and pleasant space where Baby Girl will happily and quietly play with something, put it away, and get something else out. And it will stay organized and peaceful and we will live a happy and uncluttered life every single day. This image is fleeting. The moment is non-existent.
Maybe I’ll go to Target again today.