We are a family of achievers. My immediate core family growing up – Mom, Dad, Brother, Me – we like to get shit done. We feel like the day is wasted if shit doesn’t get done. We are list-makers. I personally have a weekly list that I like to stare at every day. It’s a challenge – can you get all this shit done before Sunday?! Me to self – if you work super hard at the beginning of the week you could relax at the end of the week! You know why this doesn’t actually work? Because I add shit to the list. If I think of it, it must go on the list. There is no “waiting til next week” or just ignoring the thought. If it entered my head, IT MUST GO ON THE LIST. If it goes on the list, IT MUST GET DONE. Needless to say this concept usually ends up causing more stress than easing it. But I can’t stop. I would feel completely overwhelmed and panicky if I didn’t have my list. It’s a security blanket. Your day matters because you have this shit you have to get done. Your husband, child, and step-daughter cannot function without you because they don’t understand the importance of the list. I like to think they are in awe of my super-list, but they really probably just indulge my eccentricities.
This brings me next to the concept of THE NOTHING BOX. I have trouble sleeping at night. I am sure this surprises none of you. I can’t stop thinking – I can’t turn off my brain. It can take hours for me to go to sleep. And if I get woken up in the middle of the night (which happens every night) it more often than not means another sleepless hour or two in which to think of new things that need to be added to my list. My husband of course says “I’m going to sleep now” and less than five minutes later he’s totally out. HOW THE HELL?!?! Well, he says, he doesn’t think about anything. He just goes straight to sleep. What do you mean you don’t think about anything? That is not even possible. Well, it is, actually, he says. Look man, don’t piss me off. I’m telling you it’s not possible! He says – no really, I just go into my Nothing Box (a concept he got off some comedian somewhere I have to admit) and I go straight to sleep. He can even do this during the day! OK, I’ll bite. I’m gonna try going into this Nothing Box and see if it works. Here I go…
Here I am. Middle of my Nothing Box with my sleepy blanket and my pillow. Ready to chill-ax. Aaahhh. Hey this is cool. There’s nothing in here. I don’t have to think at all! 1… 2… 3… 4… Hmm I wonder if Baby Girl will sleep all night tonight. If I fall asleep NOW and she sleeps all night I’ll get to sleep for 7 hours, 34 minutes and um, 16 seconds. 15. 14. I wonder if it will be cooler tomorrow. I hope it doesn’t rain. We have a horseshow on Sunday. Crap, if it rains that means no $$ this weekend. Damn. Please don’t rain, please don’t rain, please don’t rain. And if it rains we have to wait AGAIN for it to dry out before the gravel can be delivered to fix the road. Sigh. Is that Baby Girl crying out? Please please please just go back to sleep!! Phew, yay. I really need to go get some melatonin for her tomorrow. And I need to find a ENT for her, I really need to get that done. OK I will do that. Tomorrow. Time to sleep now. HEY! WTF? How the heck did all this stuff get in this damn box?! Sigh. I knew there was no such thing as a Nothing Box.
Owning a business, keeping a house, keeping up with 9 acres, a barn, and an arena, keeping 9-12 horses fed, clean and happy, acknowledging my husband, keeping my step-daughter on her toes, and loving on my Baby Girl all take a shit-ton of time and energy. Some days I have to force myself to take a step back and remember that this Baby Girl will only be tiny for a short period of time. She will only want these paccy-kisses (kisses while still keeping the paccy in her mouth) and sticky, snuggly baby hugs for awhile before she’s Big. She’ll only find joy in sitting in my lap opening a random piece of mail because she can tear the envelope to pieces for a couple more years at best. So yesterday I took a time out for myself and for her and we finger painted. We actually put paint all over our hands and her feet and painted on paper. She thought I was the coolest mama ever, for a little while.
For those of you who, like me, find it difficult to sit down and relax I know you will understand how almost painful it is to stop and play with your kid. It was a skill I had to actually learn. After 38 years of doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and spending every day trying to get shit done, I had to actually learn how to stop. How to just chill. How to ignore my list. At least for an hour or so.
