We’ve all been there. We’ve all lost a friend or two along the way of our lives. As a Riding Instructor, I’ve lost clients over the years of course, and some of those have broken my heart. People come into our lives for a reason, it’s said, and sometimes it’s just for a short period of time. But each and every one of them leave some footprint – something that will make us think of them from time to time. It’s especially difficult when that line between client and friend merges. When it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. You tell yourself that you are not going to be friends with your clients – it’s just business. But that never works, does it? Some people are just meant to be your friends, and that’s probably why they became your clients in the first place. Same way of thinking, a lot in common, sense of humor and so on.
I look at my Baby Girl sometimes and wonder if she realizes when someone just disappears, if at two years old, she can conceptualize the difference in the people around her. Sometimes I think being two would be really nice. It seems like she just enjoys her life, doesn’t get overly concerned with who is there and who isn’t (except for me, her mama, of course). Sissy comes and goes, in and out, of Baby Girl’s daily life and she doesn’t seem to be too upset when she’s not there, but is truly happy to see her when she is. Same with Grandma and Grandpa and all the other people close to her.
I know someday she will get her heart broken and she will be truly devastated when someone disappears out of her life. But for now she’s happy with the people around her, whenever they are there. I am amazed by that. I wish I could be so content with the way things are. But memories and words get in the way. Somebody once said that you will forget what people say and you will forget what people do, but you will never forget the way they made you FEEL. And that is so true. That is what you hang onto, that is what causes the pain and makes you sad and angry. Don’t hold onto that they say, you must learn to forgive they say. Forgive yourself and don’t worry about that other person because they most assuredly aren’t worrying about you. I’m not sure that’s true though. I think only very self absorbed people simply move on and never think about what happened between the two of you.
Moving on is sometimes easy, and sometimes very difficult. If you are a strong person you close your eyes for a little bit and take a deep breath and find a new way. You hold yourself together and you tell yourself you don’t care. You let other people think you don’t care. Only the people closest to you will know how very much you do care. You cry a little and let your Baby Girl crawl up in your lap and wipe your tears away and you tell her you are sad right now but you’ll be ok soon. And then you are. You have to be – for her. She needs a strong mama, a mama that cries but then moves on. A mama that isn’t afraid to let people go when they’ve hurt her. A mama who can tell that Baby Girl that sometimes life is hard, but it’s never too hard. That she can handle anything that comes, that she will always be ok. And that her mama will always be there for her, no matter what. Just like my mom taught me.
The hardest apology you have to accept is the one you never got. And the hardest thing you’ll ever do is apologize for the way you made someone feel.