Body image is a tricky thing. Having a baby at almost 40 was a very unkind and “kick you in the stomach agony” thing to do to myself, as far as body image goes. I used to be considered tiny – people would actually say to me “oh wow you’re so tiny!” In my own view, of course, I did not think so and was unsure how to respond to this. Gee thanks? Even when I was pregnant people would say how tiny I was, how tiny my baby bump was.
I see celebrities online all the time that are a helluva lot tinier than I ever was. And it’s crazy to me, to even SAY to someone how tiny they are, like you could win a prize for it. I mean, you wouldn’t tell someone who is fat “WOW! You’re so huge!” Same thing for being considered beautiful – people say Oh my gosh, you’re so pretty! But, Wow! You’re so ugly! is just not something that would ever pass our lips.
So anyways… before I was pregnant I was pretty fit and trim – but not skinny. I rode a lot, cleaned stalls, wrestled horses. I stayed in shape without even really trying. Pretty much ate whatever I wanted. And I wasn’t totally thrilled with my body even then. So being pregnant while getting close to that magical age of 40, where everything starts to slow down, was the pits. I gained weight of course and I remember my Chiropractor saying to me “whatever you put on, you have to take off!” I wanted to slug him. Shut up! When you grow a whole little human inside of you then you can talk jack-wagon! Because he is an otherwise very nice guy, I just ignored these little tidbits of “advice.”
My self-image took a huge hit during this time. I was ecstatic to be having a baby, and very proud – took lots of pregnant pictures. BUT I was also very aware that I was no longer fit, trim, or tiny (reality is still sometimes hard to accept – that being pregnant makes you bigger… Duh. I didn’t even want to know how much I had gained. I refused to look at the scale at the OB’s office) So when I had lost almost all of the baby weight four months after she was born, I was thrilled! I thought I looked fantastic. I thought I would be one of those moms who just had the good fortune of the weight melting off and going back to normal without even trying.
THEN. I quit breastfeeding and BAM. Who the hell knew that breastfeeding makes you lose all the weight?!?!? Not me. What a cruel, cruel joke played on my body. After I realized what was happening, I actually had to go on an anti-depressant. I’m not kidding – it was that traumatic. I’m still nowhere near where I want to be. Apparently you have to actually eat less and exercise more. I read in a book about pregnancy that after the baby is born you should strap that baby on your back so it’s extra weight to carry, and walk or run every day to lose pounds and get back to your old self. Well let me tell ya, you’re never gonna get back to your old self! No matter what. And I didn’t want to exercise when I was carrying that bowling ball in FRONT in my belly – why on earth would I want to exercise carrying it on my back?!
When my husband and I discussed whether we would have another baby (it wasn’t really a discussion so much as him saying NO and me saying
ok) one of the main reasons I didn’t want to was because I didn’t want to gain even more weight! That might sound like a terrible reason not to have another kid, but it’s the honest to God truth and I don’t think it’s the worst reason anybody ever came up with. The child we have was a miracle to us, and I truly believe she’s the only one I was meant to have. (In other words, if you’re reading this blog please don’t ask if I’m ready for another one. It really stresses me out!)
These days, 27 months after the baby was born, I still feel sluggish most days, I still feel slow – even my brain has slowed down. I still feel fat and annoyed that I don’t look like I used to. I still want to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. I still can’t. I still hate the way I look in photos. I still look tired. I am tired. I still want to shout out to the world – “this ISN’T ME!! This ISN’T the way I am supposed to look!”
But, well, maybe it is.
