The most fun thing I get to do with my two year old is put her to bed. Every night this process is a roaring success. We have our nighttime routine, like all the experts say, so OF COURSE it’s successful.
Not really. Really it’s like a new, fresh Hell every night.
My husband made the remarkable discovery that Baby Girl will calm down by watching YouTube videos while you rock her. Specifically, country gospel videos. But please don’t think that just any country gospel video will do. The other night I tried Dolly Parton. She took the phone and watched for half a second, said “No” and handed it back to me. So next I tried Johnny Cash. Again, after a moment of consideration – “No.” Alright kid, I know you like Alan Jackson so let’s try “Remember When.”
“NO. NO No no no nooooooooo!!!” Oh my Lord. Fine. Alan’s got a gospel album. Let’s try that. Here he is, see, sitting in his cowboy hat singing Blessed Assurance – will that do you? Ahhh yes. My 26 month old daughter has a crush on Alan Jackson. She has to be able to see HIM, not some dumb music video. And he has to be singing about GOD. So if this were the only bedtime ritual that we had to perform, well I would count my lucky stars. Sometimes she wants me to read her books after I finally get tired of Alan Jackson. OK fine, which books? ALL the books in this room, Mommy, of course! (After discovering this I make sure there are at max 4 books in the room and sometimes I hide three of them). I can read “Llama llama red pajama” and think about a million other things at the same time at this point. Are you sleepy yet? Good, let’s put you in your bed. Thankfully she has finally let sleeping on the floor go (this was a thing) and will let me lay her in the bed. But can I then leave the room and she falls asleep calmly all on her own? Oh no, mommy must sit in the chair until Baby Girl is asleep and then sneak out very carefully.
Guys I am serious. This is the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. I have tried everything I can think of to get the hell out of her room in less than an hour. Every evening my mind is pulled to the peace and quiet of my own bedroom where I could be reading or watching House Hunters while the little dear is sound asleep in her little bed by the reasonable hour of 7:30. Because, you know, I am old and I like to go to bed myself by 9 ish. Especially as I know that when I sneak out of her room that is very likely NOT the last time I will see the precious angel before morning. Baby Girl is, like her mama, a very light sleeper. And apparently has dreams and nightmares. Imagine, for a moment, at 12 am (and 2 am and 4 am) your brain telling you “wake up, wake up! Baby Girl is awake and screaming!” and your body basically saying “Oh for Pete’s sake, kid, shut up and go back to sleep.”
Sometimes she ends up in my bed, sometimes I am lucky and she doesn’t. Spraying (drenching) lavender scented oil stuff on her pillow achieves nil results. Just saying. Even on the nights she amazingly, blessedly sleeps all night long, I still wake up panicked at 4 am wondering what is wrong with her that she HASN’T woken up! I cannot win folks. I am looking forward to the years where I will have to blow a bull horn to get her OUT of the bed. What a blessed assurance that will be!
https://youtu.be/BUpLuy_hnoU