I’m Julie. I’m 41 years old and I have a two year old monster. Toddler. Whatever. Same same. Seriously this child was prayed for and loved long before she got here. When I was pregnant I implored God for her to be “like me” rather than more like my husband, who is a calm, rational, easy going person most of the time. I, however, am not usually calm, am very passionate and get frustrated easily. My husband already had a daughter – my step-daughter – who is EXACTLY like him. I wanted someone in my corner so to speak. Someone who would share my passion, my kind of humor, my love of learning and reading. Someone I could fully understand instead of always wondering “what on earth is he/she thinking?” “How does he/she stay so freaking calm?!” “Aren’t they LISTENING?! Doesn’t he/she CARE?”
Obviously I realize that he/she does indeed care but just has a very different way of showing it. So I prayed. And I got what I prayed for. In every way, every day and without a single solitary doubt. In retrospect I think I should not have prayed quite so hard.
From day 1 Baby Girl has proven to be exactly like me. I want to throw her out the window daily. Someone once told me, before I had a child of my own, that “sure you love them to pieces but sometimes you want to throw them in the trash can.” I seriously laughed. I had no idea how true it was. (And she said it in a Danish accent, which just made it that much funnier – and proves that people all over the world feel the same way about their progeny.) Baby girl is passionate. And headstrong. And boy does she get frustrated when she doesn’t get her own way, or can’t figure something out quickly. If the blocks aren’t all color side up in their little wagon she will stop what she is doing when she notices this, and sit down and put them right. Did I mention she’s 26 months old?
She will line the crayons up all in a row. Perfectly. She will line up her books and her videos. She doesn’t mind a mess but it has to be HER mess, her way. God forbid you try to change something she has decided should be a certain way. A friend who was babysitting her, hesitated as she was walking out the door and said “she doesn’t take suggestions well.” I laughed. I knew.
This is my only child. I was almost 39 before she was born. I was absolutely not prepared for this. I had everything planned out, finished my To-Do list, and was READY for her birth-day. Then she was born and I realized I had not ONE TIME thought about afterwards. I think motherhood must come easier if you are younger. Your ways aren’t your ways yet. You go with the flow. You have lower expectations. I could be wrong but I think starting to parent at almost 40 is so much harder than parenting when you are younger. I find it hard to get down on the floor to play. My mind is a million miles away. I have my own business to run. I have not “played” in 25 + years. I’m too damn tired to think, let alone figure out fun places to take a two year old. We stay home a lot. We go outside when we can’t stand it anymore. Thankfully we have horses so there’s some distraction there. We have two swings. I HATE swinging. But I do it anyway.
I love my Baby Girl. I love her to the moon and back. But sometimes I still want to throw her in the trash can. If you get offended by God or by cuss words you won’t want to follow my blog. I write this blog only to give myself some relief. A place to let it all out. I’ll bet there are other 40-something “new” moms who feel my pain… who will understand where I am coming from and commiserate. Moms who want to be the kind of moms who bake cookies and shit. And yet realize they are the kind of moms who say “bake cookies and shit.”