Julie Tullos

I don’t want to write this book. I do want to write this book.

My brain says write it. My heart says I can’t.

This book about Mom is something I feel like I was destined to do. That I must do it. That I need to. For me, for others facing the same situation. For her, and what was kept secret for far too long. And I want to, I really do. But when I get down into it, I feel anger and grief and resentment and all the things. I am putting myself right back into the timeframe of when everything was happening, and it’s HARD.

What did I expect? Oh, maybe just to throw my blog posts together with some of the texts between me and my Dad and wa la, you have a book. But that isn’t it at all. It’s a timeline, a history of what happened and a correlation between care-taking and being the one cared for. It’s recognizing when I was tired and emotional and maybe not the best parent to my Baby Girl. It’s regretting not listening to my Dad when he told me he wasn’t doing well. I see that I didn’t want to hear it. He HAD to be ok. I couldn’t bear him not to be.

It’s realizing that maybe this extreme exhaustion is a build up of years of intense emotions and frightening feelings. If I write it all out, won’t I feel better? Will I?

It’s making small Facebook posts about seeing my Mom and Dad everywhere in life – from old scraggly men buying fried chicken in Brookshires to well coiffed women in Walmart with their purses and shopping lists. To sitting in the school car line and feeling her there with me, watching over my shoulder as I play Words with Friends. I put my hand up to the roof of my car and touch the pins I have there – my Dad’s Ranger pin and an Alzheimer’s one for my Mom. They travel with me everywhere.

It’s about Baby Girl and what she went through as well. From pre-school to second grade when her beloved Grandpa died unexpectedly while she sat on his bed and fourth grade when her Granny died. These were people she adored and counted on and loved with all her tiny heart. No wonder she worries when I leave the house to go to a meeting at night, or when she doesn’t want to be left at overnight camp and has to talk to me every day when I’m gone on a vacation without her. This child has been through some trauma that everyone just expected her to be ok with. She has a memory book of my parents, and she still, to this day, sleeps with it under her pillow. She has an eagle stuffed animal to represent my Dad, and a cat for my Mom. She misses them terribly, too. I realize that I am her anchor, the only thing keeping her tethered to this crazy world she doesn’t understand.

It’s understanding that I couldn’t have done anything differently, every day was such a shit-show of just trying to survive and be there for everyone at all times. That I was strong – even when I felt like I was falling apart. In truth, I was falling apart and keeping it together all at the same time. Because that’s what it’s like with elderly parents, and especially one afflicted with Alzheimer’s. It’s a continuous downward spiral.

Trying to find my way back up from that rock-bottom – and remembering them without tears, slogging through the PTSD that has affected everyone of us. Writing this book is supposed to be cathartic.

Maybe it will be, but I know now it’s a process. I don’t know how long it will take, but I promise myself I will finish it. I have a goal of the end of next year. I have a habit of procrastinating on this project because it’s tough to feel like that, all over again. It’s not fun to re-live the nightmare. I’m procrastinating now… by writing this blog post!

Send out your big caring thoughts for me please. Good intentions and survival strategies. Prayers for strength and to finish what was started. Send good vibes. I’ll feel them. And I thank you.

Back in 2013, when I was pregnant, I asked God to please give me a child that was more like me than like Tony. Tony had his older daughter already, and I wanted a mini-me to even things out a little bit.

God laughed. And complied. And laughed some more. Added a few bits that I could have done without. Probably hysterical at this point, he added in one final sprinkling of “hot or cold” and dumped a huge pot of “frustration level: nil.”

My baby girl is a wonderful, beautiful, sweet and creative little girl. She is also a very difficult child to raise. Intelligent and head strong she goes from zero (laughing) to blowing a gasket in 0.1 seconds. Lord, I could use a little more information at this point. A little bit of instruction and insight please. Because, while I was also very headstrong (and of course that hasn’t changed), I am also fairly level headed. I don’t get angry quickly, I let a lot of things go. I learned this lesson especially when my parents were sick and dying – so much just doesn’t matter. Save your energy for what does.

Baby Girl is 10. She clearly hasn’t learned this yet. For example, if she trying to do something (plug in her ipad in Tony’s truck; pull her saddle pad out from under her saddle; put her garter straps on, or her gloves) and it doesn’t go exactly as planned, quickly, she will throw the thing down, scream at it that it’s stupid, get red in the face and sometimes start crying. I have no idea what to do in this situation. I admit, sometimes I get mad. I try to be patient, but if I’m nice to her she turns her anger right to me. If I get mad she will stomp away or burst into tears. If I tell her to calm down, or that her reaction is over the top, she acts like any woman does when you tell them to calm down. She gets more mad.

It’s infuriating. There are no right answers here. Her anger level is intense and her frustration level is zero. The other day I said, randomly, that as I get older I see my Mom’s hands in my own. She roughly told me to STOP! And I’m like why? She says, “STOP IT! I MISS GRANNY!” It was just an off the topic statement. I was astounded at her reaction. I mean, I know she misses my parents, but that’s a little crazy to me. She actually was in therapy from 7 to 9 years old, but she swears she didn’t like it and it didn’t help. She would never talk about my parents with the therapist so I suppose it didn’t do her much good anyway.

I have tried giving her vitamins, a mood calming supplement, getting enough rest and making sure she eats protein. I try to feed her a healthy dinner (at least) most nights. She is a very picky eater, as I am, so that is especially difficult. She wants ramen and fruit. Or rice, or pasta. She does not want vegetables unless it ‘s edamame or cucumber… again, like me. She does not want protein unless it’s yogurt (greek at least) or chicken.

I have tried making sure she’s in bed by 9 pm every night. I give her melatonin to be sure she doesn’t lie awake brooding. She sleeps well now and can be difficult to wake up in the mornings (like her Dad!) I read to her every night and tuck her in. She constantly wants me around, sitting on the toilet seat while she takes a bath, sitting with her while she falls asleep, etc. Now, she can do these things on her own when I am not available – she does NOT ask Daddy to do these things. What is up with that?! That’s frustrating to me. I like to read to her, but I also want my time to read my own book. Usually by the time I get her to sleep I just turn out my light as well because I am exhausted.

Limiting her screen time is difficult for me, because I like to be left alone! I like to work, to write, to read. She does amazingly well keeping herself entertained most of the time (during the day) and she still plays with all her Breyer horses and Schleich animals. She goes outside. She rides, she explores, she plays with her ponies, she makes mud pies and digs in the sand. She plays with her dog. (That I got hoping to make her happy and less angry all the time). She drives the golf cart around, and yes, she spends time on her ipad and computer. She loves watching YouTube videos.

I have read books on the subject. The Explosive Child, books on raising a tween girl, how to communicate with your tween, etc. I am about to start “The Highly Sensitive Person” in hopes it will help me connect with her, in her own little world. On another note, she gets very upset if she doesn’t do well in a horseshow – she thinks she is disappointing me. I tell her I love her no matter what place she gets and that I’m very proud of how well she rides. I tell her I love that she can do everything herself (this doesn’t stop her from asking me to help) and how well she takes care of her ponies (usually.)

This is not to say that she’s never happy. Only that when she is unhappy, she is EXTREME about it. There is no middle ground, no warm, or tepid, it’s only sunshine or hurricanes. Same goes when she does not get what she wants. For example, we got in from a three day horseshow last night at 6:30 pm. She, (instead of helping unload which Tony had to make her do) started playing around and then asked me if she could “take me on a golf cart ride.” Girl it is 6:30 pm and I have just spent the last three days nonstop with you. I am tired. It is not happening tonight. She, of course, stomps away and gets upset. She never, not once in her life, has said “that’s ok Mommy, I understand” or even just “okay.” It leaves me drained, and more than a little sad and upset myself.

Was I this difficult as a kid? I’d like to think not. Of course, we didn’t have electronics back then like we do today. And there is no one, except my brother, left to ask. He probably wasn’t paying attention to me anyway, being that much older. I know I was sensitive and liked to get my own way, but was I angry all the time? Was I zero to a hundred if something was frustrating me? Was it impossible to have a conversation with me? Did I scream, or throw a fit? I do remember doing some of this, but wasn’t it before I was old enough to know better? Where is the self control, the self awareness? How do I fix this?!

If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it. I may not respond, but I will definitely read your comments!

I wonder if God is still laughing. Because I am not.

There are solar panels on our house. Plenty of people have asked me about them over the years. Was it worth it? Would you do it again?

Absolutely. Not.

Here is our solar story:

Back in November of 2016, Envirosolar came calling to our front door. Tony sat down with a jovial man called Brandon in a pinstripe suit and proceeded to have a conversation with him about solar panels. Tony was hooked immediately by the guy’s down to earth mojo and charismatic laugh. He was a nice guy, no doubt. I sat down for a little while and learned that we’d be paying less than $99 a month for electricity if we had solar panels, that the original cost of the install would pay off quickly, that it was excellent for the environment, we’d be setting a standard in our community, we’d get a large tax rebate, blah blah blah. Yes, I agreed, let’s go for it.

We were told the price would be $24,900. Well. The contract says that is the amount. Why then, did we need another $25,000? The answer is – we needed to replace our entire air conditioning and heating system including the outside unit to bring everything up to date in order to service the panels. Then, we had to pay $2000 to the electric company to install the correct meter on the side of our house. We also had to replace all the light bulbs in our house with LED ones.

I took a loan out for $10,000 with my horse trailer as collateral, to pay the initial deposit. After that, things start to get very, very sketchy. We financed the rest of the amount through two banks – GreenSky and EnerBankUSA. Both of which were recommended to us by Brandon. The EnerBank account started at $25,000, of which I immediately paid the $10,000 from the loan I got. Then, you can see by my old notes that I played money-roulette. Cash advance from USAA for $1000. $7500 balance transfer to Bank of America and another balance transfer to Discover for $2250. These must have been interest free balance transfer offers. I can see the interest rate for EnerBank was 16.54%. That’s a lot when you’re talking about $25,000.

Now, with GreenSky, the initial loan amount was slightly less than $25,000. But, the interest rate was much higher at 23.99%. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I will admit, I don’t remember all the details. But I do remember that we were told that we would have a certain period of time to pay off these debts, interest free. That did not happen with EnerBank – we had thirty days. I remember the panic of having to figure out how to pay that EnerBank amount off quickly. For some reason, it took us another year to pay GreenSky… with the interest of about $448 a month snowballing. However, if we paid it off within that year they would credit all that interest back. I was sweating, for sure. I can see that I waited until the year was almost up before I paid anything back … and I did manage to pay it off, but how? I don’t have any notes on this one, and I don’t remember how I did it.

The fun part is that during that first year I didn’t really see any decreases in our electric bills. And Brandon disappeared. I assume the company went tits-up as my Dad would say and Brandon was displaced.

We never did get the $500 rebate we were promised.

Here’s where it gets insane….

A year ago. SEVEN years after installing the solar panels, I have never seen much of a difference in the cost of our electricity. It still reaches $400 in the hottest summer months and up to $500 in the winter. Nothing really changed. Then one day I had to call Reliant (our electric provider) for a reason I can no longer remember. We were discussing something and I happened to mention that I never noticed the solar panels doing any good. The guy on the other end of the phone goes… “You have solar panels?” You could have heard a pin drop on my end. I stuttered ye-ess. The guy says “that isn’t reflected on your plan. You don’t have a solar panel plan.” More silence from me. Total crickets. Finally I pick my jaw up from the floor and I say what, exactly, do you mean? Do you mean to tell me that for SEVEN years the solar panels have never done ANYTHING? “Right.” he says.

Son of a Bi….

We were never, never, ever, told that we had to let the electric company know we had solar panels. Hell, the power company had to install the meter! Wasn’t it automatic? No, no it was not. Even though the guy who reads the meter every month can clearly see we have solar panels, and can clearly read the input and output and reports this back to the energy company…. because we didn’t have a solar plan we were not getting credit.

So of course I remedy the situation. I can honestly say I have never felt so stupid in all my life. But we get it fixed up. We now have a solar plan, wahoo! We should be set, good to go.

Then the tornado comes. Rips two solar panels off my roof. I don’t really have the money to replace/repair them so I ignore it for a few months. I don’t really know if the panels are still working or not, but life gets in the way and it gets pushed out of my mind. Then the other day, Reliant sends an email. A general email, not to me specifically. It says I can link my solar inverter directly to my plan so that the input and output is automatically recorded and I can see on a day to day basis how much power we are generating. I think this is pretty neat, so I go to sign up.

After a bunch of being redirected to this site and that site, I finally learn I have to have an account for the inverter. The inverter company says I have to have a code from the installer. I’m like “Look here. That company is no longer with us. I need some help.” So she gives me a one time courtesy break and supplies me with the number I need. Then I find out that Tony has had that account for all these years and I never knew it. Sigh. More communication between spouses, friends. We all need more communication.

But I got it! I’m in! Annnndddd…. the output is zero. Zero? Why? My brain is spinning. I call the lady back. Oh, she says, your inverter hasn’t been on since December of 2022.

Son of a Bi….

Apparently the energy company couldn’t find it within themselves to let me know that we were, in fact, NOT getting any benefits from our solar panels. It’s been eight years. Eight years, $50,000 later. Zero benefits.

Do I recommend solar panels?

Hell no.

I’ve now been on two cruises. Two different boats. Two different airports, two different cruise locations. And they were both really great. I consider myself an expert now. In case anyone needs to know anything about cruising, I’m your gal. Just kidding, it’s all still a little bewildering although this one did go smoother getting on and getting off the ship because we were a little more educated. 

I’m not going to lie, we were completely spoiled by doing Disney first. I am not sure anything will ever be able to compare to that. The ship was brand new. The cabin was spacious. The picture window had a great view. We had a completely enchanting dining experience each night. We found plenty of things to do, and even missed a few we never knew about. The only complaint I had about Disney was that the pools were too small and Skylar would have had more fun with a friend. 

Both ships we’ve been on have been HUGE. Ginormous. This time we had a room with a balcony and I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to just a window room. The balcony was great. We loved having the door open, or sitting out there with a drink. Some people spend their retirement cruising and I can entirely see why. The room is cleaned up every day by lovely stateroom attendants and they even leave towel-art on the bed each time. The rooms are bigger than you expect them to be – they’re really not the teeny tiny porthole rooms you have seen in movies. Think somewhere between Jack and Rose in Titanic. (Ok, a little closer to Jack than to Rose… but still).

We had four port days and two cruising (at sea) days. I spent a lot of time on our sea days writing my book about my mom. It was truly great. We had dinner at five each evening and two of them were “formal”  nights. I bought an outfit which was not exactly formal but it was really nice! Especially for me, who shies away from anything to do with dressing up. I spent time shopping, trying on clothes – something I haven’t done since 2010 probably – and I bought the outfit. Complete with a cute gold necklace. And then I forgot to wear it.

We went downstairs on the first formal night and I looked around and thought – why are all these people dressed up? And then a half second later… “oooohhhh. Shit.”

So I wore it the next night instead. Who cares anyway?

It was Alaska. You expect it to be cold. I brought all the things the “how to pack for an Alaskan cruise” article told me to bring. Long underwear. Layers. A jacket. Hat and gloves. Sweaters. Jeans.

It was 80 degrees in Alaska. 

I ended up wearing none of that except the jeans and the three new tee shirts I bought at the ports. People kept saying how this was the nicest weather they’d had in forever. The best weather week ever! And I was pleased – of course I was. 80 is still better than 109. But, no sweaters, which I had especially bought. No raincoat (thankfully!). No misty, gray skies. Which meant that I had a clear view and saw EIGHT bald eagles! I absolutely was thrilled with that! Bald Eagles remind me so much of my Dad, so that was a lovely experience to have. I was able to see the glacier they’re so proud of from far away. I should have done an excursion that included that glacier, but I didn’t know how cool it would be and so I didn’t. 

The excursions are expensive. I mean, really really expensive. The train ride we wanted to do through the mountains was almost $300 per person. We ended up doing the whale watching and salmon bake instead. The whale watching was neat if not a little cold while skipping the boat over the waves all the way to the site. We saw a lot of whales, but not as close up as I was hoping for. Only saw one whale breach, and missed a lot of other whales by staring in the wrong direction. Then they took us to the sea lions laying on the buoy. Super cute! One of them was ringing the bell with his tail – on accident I presume, or we really did see something special.

The salmon at the salmon bake was to die for. Ridiculously delicious. Sweet setup with lights strung everywhere and a cute little waterfall. And blueberry cake. We ate so many desserts on this trip it’s truly amazing we didn’t gain ten pounds each. 

One of the other excursions we did was the Skagway old fashioned trolley tour with a stop at the graveyard of all the people who have died in Skagway (not a lot!). Seriously I think they have a modern cemetery now but the old one was pretty nifty to see. We heard all about the Gold Rush and the shoot-out that happened and the fact that Skagway has no doctor at all so if anything major is wrong with you, you have to be willing to pay $25,000 for a helicopter to Juneau, or else willing to be buried there. Their graduating class had seven kids in it. Everyone goes to school in the same building. It’s really like another age and time out there.

Then we toured Sitka on our own. I don’t know how much of the island they used to film the movie The Proposal, but Tony and I then watched that movie that night and saw absolutely nothing familiar. 

We walked through the National Forest there. Did not see any bears, except for the Giant Brown Poodle that gave me a serious start when I saw it. He was only walking out with his owner, unaware that he was probably giving more people than just me heart attacks. We saw the salmon swimming upstream! Listened in on a tour guide’s spiel. The salmon swim upstream to their spawning spot then lie there “like zombies” until they lay their eggs and then they die. Someone asked if they eat those salmon and the guide said nope, the birds do! (And probably the bears do too, I presume). It was very interesting and very cool to see. There were probably hundreds of thousands of salmon just lying on the bottom of the riverbed. 

The last place we visited was Victoria, British Columbia. Which was absolutely gorgeous. Flowers literally everywhere! I can’t even keep flowers in a planter alive, I honestly don’t know how they do it. And even though Tony and I both were feeling the effects of a cold (I am still coughing today) we both had a blast in Victoria. We rode a bus to a winery and sampled some great wines and enjoyed the fabulous view. Then we rode the same bus to a distillery in town. Beer and whiskey – Tony was in heaven! I got some great pics of him enjoying the samples. The guide there was a total hoot and we had a lot of fun listening to him. 

Honestly this post could go on and on about the ship and everything on it, but it’s got to end somewhere. So I’ll finish up with a list of things I brought and didn’t use: a little iron (this was Tony’s idea but at least now I own one), Tony’s cowboy hat which he wore twice – on the plane both times, our own cups with lids (they gave us cups to use since we bought the refreshment package), all the stuff for colder weather, a hanging shoe organizer and Tony’s formal jacket. Oh we might as well have not brought the swimsuits either as I tried the hot tub only once and was very disappointed to find it barely warmer than bathwater. We DID use the magnetic hooks and the poo-pour-ee spray!

I highly recommend the cruise to Alaska. Given the chance we would certainly go again, although we would prefer to see different towns and cities. I would love to take Skylar, so she can see the Bald Eagles and the mountains!

Alzheimer’s changes everyone around the affected person. You might think that with this happening to Mom while I was in my 40’s, well, I was already grown up. That might be true, but what happened anyway is that I grew up. I became more patient, a lot wiser, more empathetic, more in tune with my own feelings, and a LOT OLDER. It aged me quickly. No longer just concerned with my own life, I became the advocate for my parents that they desperately needed. I learned every day how to be that person. I learned what was most important is being there for the people you love and that love you.

During those years from 2018-2023 both my parents passed away. Baby Girl lost two people she adored. I felt abandoned and alone. During those years I lost clients from my barn who could not understand that they were no longer my top priority. I kept clients who understood, and who stood with me. I treasure these people and they are still clients today.

My whole outlook on life changed. My dreams started to swirl around me like West Texas dust, blowing away and becoming faint. I managed to hang on to my business but realized I needed to downsize. After my Mom died, I let go of the “riding school” portion of my business. I no longer provide school horses. Because of this I now only have clients that own or lease their own horses or ponies. I still love to teach, and I love to horseshow. I love these girls like they are my own. Of course I still love ponies.

In 2022 Bruno broke his leg. That was the end of my Pony Finals dream. Baby Girl and I were gutted. Both of us realized from Day 1 that he would never be the same, no matter what happened. You all know that he has recovered in a miraculous way, but there is still no Pony Finals future for him. For a year we rehabbed him and Baby Girl rode a different pony that she wasn’t exactly fond of. Finally, we found and bought Prince, through the help of my inheritance. I tell Dad thanks every day, sending gratitude up to Heaven, that a rainbow was given to us after the storm.

These days my dreams are a little different. I can see the log cabin type house that we want to build in East Texas in my mind. I see the piney woods and the red dirt. I see the small barn I want to build, the garden which will not grow anything because I have no green thumb, I see a pond with Canadian Geese. I hear the racoons at night and the mosquitos swarm as I sit on the porch sipping sweet tea. I see Baby Girl coming up the drive, on a visit from college, and I stand up to greet her and thrust a glass of tea into her hand. I see the Maine Coon cat I want lurking around the doorways, just trying to get in the way. Sometimes I see baby goats.

I see myself writing, a published author. I see Tony out the picture windows of my office, tinkering in his garage he wants to build. I see sunny days and chilly Christmases with our small family. I see only Bruno, Prince and Hugo grazing in their paddock. I see a different me. A more relaxed me. Someone who isn’t always rushing against the clock to “get things done.” I see vacations and cruises and enjoying the downtime.

I see peace at last.

My own business. What a treat! What a dream! I couldn’t have done it without the most generous sponsor. She believed in me and helped me out a ton the first year (and when I needed additional funds she was there to support me). She told me, write a business plan. So I did. It took forever but it really made clear to me what path I wanted to take.

I won’t dwell on the first 18 months that Abingdon Park existed. There are not many great memories from that time. A few. But not a lot. It was hard being on my own. I didn’t live there so I had to drive in twice a day, or spend the entire day there. The owners took me in like a long lost little sister at first but as time went on it became clear that we were VERY different types of people. It all came to a head one day in May 2009. She kicked me out, I was gutted because I thought my dream was toast. But then we had a post-kicking-out meeting to try and resolve things. Things got heated. She told me that if she was going down (I won’t tell you what for – sorry) that I was going down with her.

All of a sudden my heckles were raised. My back was up and fire filled my eyes. I just looked at her and said quietly “I don’t think so.” She threw down a $20 and stormed out. Her partner just gazed at me and shrugged her shoulders. I knew she didn’t have the guts to stand against her. From that point I became a new person. I started to become ME again. Remembered who I was and what I wanted to accomplish in life. I found a new base of operation fairly quickly and rescued my ponies from the various barns that had helped me out by taking ponies on a moment’s notice. I am thankful for all the people in my life who have been there when I needed someone. God truly puts people in my path for a reason. I am thankful for my parents and my brother who came with their trucks and their compassion.

The new barn I found was really pretty but really run down. The best part about it was that I met Tony there in January 2010. A year later I moved into the little “barn house” that was there, with Tony. It had spiders. Tarantulas. Scorpions and massive centipedes. One day we saw a foot long centipede come out of the closet. Ali (10) and I screamed and stood on top of a chest of drawers while Tony literally took the walls down until he found that M-F’er and killed it. Another day I was reading in my bed and a scorpion fell into my hair. I have a ton of stories like this. However, the place was for sale and Tony and I wanted a place of our own. It took a couple more years (and a wedding) but eventually we found this place on Zipper Road in Pilot Point. A dream became a reality as I watched my husband, my Dad, and some friends build my arena, tack room and paddocks and clean out the old Hay barn. The meter high weeds were mowed, multiple trips to the dump happened and eventually we were ready to begin again.

After a miscarriage and almost a year of “trying again” I finally became pregnant with Skylar. And Tony left for Haiti. A mission he had agreed to before we knew I was pregnant. That was the hardest year of our lives. He hated being away (and hated Haiti) and I hated being on my own, pregnant and then with a newborn. That winter I was pregnant was ridiculously stressful. I have an awesome picture of my Mom in all her winter gear, dressed to help me out cleaning stalls. One of my barn families was ready to help at a moment’s notice and came out during the terrible ice storm we had that year, despite the roads and the weather. God Bless them. My Mom and I ended up eating hamburger buns (toasted) because we couldn’t get to Walmart and we had no groceries in the house! We had to get water from the house using a wheelbarrow and a “water bladder” – we unhooked the washing machine and used that hose because everything in the barn had frozen. I’m telling you, these were some of the best memories despite it all! It was quite an adventure.

I realized I had it all. ALL my dreams had come true. A house and a barn of my own, a husband, a child, my own business. What more could I want? For a long time I was happy and satisfied. It was HARD but it was worth it, because it was mine.

And then my world fell apart. In 2019 my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Nothing has ever been the same.

To be continued….